Even as a child I loved to stay up late.
My mother was so concerned in my toddler years that she actually took me to the pediatrician to ask why I didn't sleep.
He told her, "That's just the way her clock is set. She's fine."
I'm not so sure I agree with his opinion.
It's hard to get up early in the morning when you stay up late.
An obvious truth for sure, but it's so hard to get your hands around that when staying up late is what you've been doing... what you've been choosing... what you've been told is normal, for so very long.
I remember getting my first, and only, referral in school. It was for being argumentative.
Who, Me? Have an opinion? Speak before thinking? Not give much thought, and certainly not any weight, to possible consequences?
You can bet your blue suede shoes on that...
My childhood was marked with difficulty falling asleep, vivid night terrors, painful issues socially, and increasingly poor choices as adolescence closed in.
I can recall laying in my bed at night, covers up under my chin, long flannel night gown wrapped around my legs, eyes closed tight just trying to will sleep to come.
Angry leg cramps would come and go like unexpected squalls on the Oregon Coast. The ache all over my body and gnawing hunger that was a permanent resident in the depth of my stomach are sentinels at the gates to my youth.
Psalm 139:14 says, "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
Fearful is a term I can relate to, but wonderful?
With all of these physical, emotional, relational issues.... wonderful?
Definition of Wonderful: inspiring delight, pleasure, or admiration; extremely good; marvelous.
Almost a decade ago I asked the Lord to restore my sense of wonder about the world, about life, about Him.
The answer He gave was not what I expected...
I have always been a person that likes to understand things. I like to know how, why, when, what, where and who.
I can research things ad nauseum, and I have.
I was only 4 when I began reading. I have always loved reading and books. There were a couple of different encyclopedia sets in our house, and a set of Childcraft books (which are often referred to as the How and Why Library) that I loved to snuggle up with in the corner of one of our upstairs rooms.
My mother worked for a local hospital and she had been given a Physicians Desk Reference from a previous year that sat in the built-in shelves by our fireplace. The lure of the deep red hardcover pulled me in on many afternoons and I would sit on our scratchy green davenport and pour through it's pages.
When I cried out to Jesus to save me in 1991 I brought a lot of things with me...
Homelessness...
Teen pregnancy...
Addiction...
Fear...
Every imaginable need.
But somewhere in there, under all the wreckage and pain, I still loved to read.
In my childhood home we had lots of books, and I added to the pile on a regular basis, but one that stands out for sure was our Bible.
It was BIG.
It had an off-white hard cover and gold-edged pages. There were glossy full-page illustrations for many of the key events. I remember seeing it open to the picture of Jesus in a manger with the Star of Bethlehem in the sky above at Christmastime. A little sprig of holly was laid there in the pages by my mother. It evoked wonder in me even then.
But I wasn't allowed to touch it. That huge, beautiful, gilded book was just for looking at.
Not snuggling up in a corner upstairs with.
It was something to be revered, but not used for reference.
A Family Bible for sure, but not familiar in the true sense of the word.
Definition of Familiar: well known from long or close association.
Long is accurate for sure, but close? Maybe not so much...
So fast forward back to my request for wonder...
Somewhere in the library of all the hows and whys I had amassed since my childhood, I lost wonder.
Definition of Wonder: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, familiar, or inexplicable.
Wonder can be stolen by so many things....
Trauma.
Neglect.
Abuse.
Betrayal.
Illness
Bitterness.
Intellect.
The list is probably as varied as our fingerprints, but no matter the thief wonder still needs to be restored.
It's difficult to experience wonder when you're exhausted, when sleep has been illusive like trout in a quiet mountain lake. Everything is set up just right... bait's on.. only quiet voices.. you even have your lucky fishing hat.. but no bite.
My prayer for wonder came in my late 20's.
Late in the throws of a terrifying season of my life.
I even prayed the prayer late at night.
And the process of restoring my receptors of wonder began.
When someone is afraid, the antidote that is often suggested is familiarity.
Just learn about it, figure it out, read up, ask questions...
But the only true antidote for fear is faith.
Definition of Faith: a belief that is not based on proof.
So there goes all the research...
The answer to my prayer for wonder has come through time spent in prayer, in studying the Bible (I now have several that I'm allowed to touch), and in waiting at the feet of Jesus Himself for wisdom, answers, and direction.
I have woken up late to so many things...
...to the reality of the gift that this life is.
...to truths about Who God is and who I am in Him.
...to the treasure that my family and friends are.
...to the beauty of sacrificial love and genuine commitment.
There have been so many answered prayers, so many comforting verses from the Word, so many unexplainable 'God moments'.... I awake in wonder now.
The Lord is not a cruel master, flipping a bright light switch in tandem with a much too loud voice stating, "Get up! You've overslept and now you're really going to get it..."
No.
He has been more than gentle in His dealings with this sleepy head.
Patient, truthful, faithful.... wonderful.
I heard a saying once that went something like this, 'Feel free to restart your day anytime. You can start from right where you're at and make it a good day.'
I have to say, I think that suggestion was inspired by the heart of God Himself. It's really true. You truly can start from wherever you are right now... from whatever circumstance you find yourself in...
He welcomes even the late arrivals... who've maybe stayed up trying to figure out the hows and whys a little too late on their own.
His timing is perfect...
...and His ways are, well...
wonderful.
My mother was so concerned in my toddler years that she actually took me to the pediatrician to ask why I didn't sleep.
He told her, "That's just the way her clock is set. She's fine."
I'm not so sure I agree with his opinion.
It's hard to get up early in the morning when you stay up late.
An obvious truth for sure, but it's so hard to get your hands around that when staying up late is what you've been doing... what you've been choosing... what you've been told is normal, for so very long.
I remember getting my first, and only, referral in school. It was for being argumentative.
Who, Me? Have an opinion? Speak before thinking? Not give much thought, and certainly not any weight, to possible consequences?
You can bet your blue suede shoes on that...
My childhood was marked with difficulty falling asleep, vivid night terrors, painful issues socially, and increasingly poor choices as adolescence closed in.
I can recall laying in my bed at night, covers up under my chin, long flannel night gown wrapped around my legs, eyes closed tight just trying to will sleep to come.
Angry leg cramps would come and go like unexpected squalls on the Oregon Coast. The ache all over my body and gnawing hunger that was a permanent resident in the depth of my stomach are sentinels at the gates to my youth.
Psalm 139:14 says, "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
Fearful is a term I can relate to, but wonderful?
With all of these physical, emotional, relational issues.... wonderful?
Definition of Wonderful: inspiring delight, pleasure, or admiration; extremely good; marvelous.
Almost a decade ago I asked the Lord to restore my sense of wonder about the world, about life, about Him.
The answer He gave was not what I expected...
I have always been a person that likes to understand things. I like to know how, why, when, what, where and who.
I can research things ad nauseum, and I have.
I was only 4 when I began reading. I have always loved reading and books. There were a couple of different encyclopedia sets in our house, and a set of Childcraft books (which are often referred to as the How and Why Library) that I loved to snuggle up with in the corner of one of our upstairs rooms.
My mother worked for a local hospital and she had been given a Physicians Desk Reference from a previous year that sat in the built-in shelves by our fireplace. The lure of the deep red hardcover pulled me in on many afternoons and I would sit on our scratchy green davenport and pour through it's pages.
When I cried out to Jesus to save me in 1991 I brought a lot of things with me...
Homelessness...
Teen pregnancy...
Addiction...
Fear...
Every imaginable need.
But somewhere in there, under all the wreckage and pain, I still loved to read.
In my childhood home we had lots of books, and I added to the pile on a regular basis, but one that stands out for sure was our Bible.
It was BIG.
It had an off-white hard cover and gold-edged pages. There were glossy full-page illustrations for many of the key events. I remember seeing it open to the picture of Jesus in a manger with the Star of Bethlehem in the sky above at Christmastime. A little sprig of holly was laid there in the pages by my mother. It evoked wonder in me even then.
But I wasn't allowed to touch it. That huge, beautiful, gilded book was just for looking at.
Not snuggling up in a corner upstairs with.
It was something to be revered, but not used for reference.
A Family Bible for sure, but not familiar in the true sense of the word.
Definition of Familiar: well known from long or close association.
Long is accurate for sure, but close? Maybe not so much...
So fast forward back to my request for wonder...
Somewhere in the library of all the hows and whys I had amassed since my childhood, I lost wonder.
Definition of Wonder: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, familiar, or inexplicable.
Wonder can be stolen by so many things....
Trauma.
Neglect.
Abuse.
Betrayal.
Illness
Bitterness.
Intellect.
The list is probably as varied as our fingerprints, but no matter the thief wonder still needs to be restored.
It's difficult to experience wonder when you're exhausted, when sleep has been illusive like trout in a quiet mountain lake. Everything is set up just right... bait's on.. only quiet voices.. you even have your lucky fishing hat.. but no bite.
My prayer for wonder came in my late 20's.
Late in the throws of a terrifying season of my life.
I even prayed the prayer late at night.
And the process of restoring my receptors of wonder began.
When someone is afraid, the antidote that is often suggested is familiarity.
Just learn about it, figure it out, read up, ask questions...
But the only true antidote for fear is faith.
Definition of Faith: a belief that is not based on proof.
So there goes all the research...
The answer to my prayer for wonder has come through time spent in prayer, in studying the Bible (I now have several that I'm allowed to touch), and in waiting at the feet of Jesus Himself for wisdom, answers, and direction.
I have woken up late to so many things...
...to the reality of the gift that this life is.
...to truths about Who God is and who I am in Him.
...to the treasure that my family and friends are.
...to the beauty of sacrificial love and genuine commitment.
There have been so many answered prayers, so many comforting verses from the Word, so many unexplainable 'God moments'.... I awake in wonder now.
The Lord is not a cruel master, flipping a bright light switch in tandem with a much too loud voice stating, "Get up! You've overslept and now you're really going to get it..."
No.
He has been more than gentle in His dealings with this sleepy head.
Patient, truthful, faithful.... wonderful.
I heard a saying once that went something like this, 'Feel free to restart your day anytime. You can start from right where you're at and make it a good day.'
I have to say, I think that suggestion was inspired by the heart of God Himself. It's really true. You truly can start from wherever you are right now... from whatever circumstance you find yourself in...
He welcomes even the late arrivals... who've maybe stayed up trying to figure out the hows and whys a little too late on their own.
His timing is perfect...
...and His ways are, well...
wonderful.
Beautiful.... and worth waiting for.
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