It's been months since I've written anything here.
There's lots of reasons for that. Some good, some just... reasons.
The Holidays are always heavy for me, always.
Heavy with memories of hard times, good times, bittersweet times.
Heavy with heart ache.
Heavy with grief.
Grief that is growing instead of lessening as time moves on.
Heavy with schedules, and performing, and gifts... and food.
(Food is another blog for another time... oh yeah.)
Holiday time is heavy with the weight of sacrifice and gratitude for Jesus life, and death.
And at the close of the Holiday season, at least for the last several years, comes severe health issues.
Apparently my Auto-Immune Disease doesn't like the heaviness of the Holidays...
Last year at about this time I was in Scripps Hospital in San Diego.... they were ruling out a possible stroke or heart attack.
Not Good.
This year, I recognized the change in my biological weather before it hit hurricane status and we caught things before they were completely out of control again.
I mean, they were out of control for sure, but not to the degree that I needed to be in the hospital.
So off for lots of testing.
And now we wait.
I can't count how many times my life has felt out of control.
My choices out of control.
My eating out of control.
My family out of control.
My reactions out of control.
My circumstances out of control.
And then it hit me...
My Saviour is never out of control.
He is always, ever, continually in control.
And peace rushes in like fresh air on the Oregon Coast...
I can rest in Him because He knows it all.
He knows how all this started, where it's going, and how it ends.
If I quiet myself to spend time with Him he gives me insight into how to navigate these waters and assures me that He is with me all the while.
His banner over me is love... even if I'm laid up in bed with bones that don't know what they want to do, or not do.
It's an interesting life for sure, full of way more good than bad, living with auto-immune disease and other health issues that really like to give me a run for my money... But I know this more than ever, that He is TRULY in control. That He loves me and wants the very best for my life, even if it doesn't look that way to me... especially if it doesn't look that way to me.
Gratitude washes off the grime of years spent focusing on elaborate lies cloaked in fear.
The Lord has built a step ladder out of thousands upon thousands of daily love gifts to me that allows me to peek over the wall of health issues... and the view is stunning.
I'm surrounded by miracles.
I don't have to look far and I see them, talk with them, walk around in them, hold them in my arms, watch them play football, listen to their coos as they nod off to sleep on my lap....
He is so good.
I'm thankful for His guiding hand, His light for this path, His healing here or There... For Him.
For His endless love gifts all along the way.
And for opening my eyes to see them.
Life gets heavy for sure, but it never outweighs His love.
Never.
There's lots of reasons for that. Some good, some just... reasons.
The Holidays are always heavy for me, always.
Heavy with memories of hard times, good times, bittersweet times.
Heavy with heart ache.
Heavy with grief.
Grief that is growing instead of lessening as time moves on.
Heavy with schedules, and performing, and gifts... and food.
(Food is another blog for another time... oh yeah.)
Holiday time is heavy with the weight of sacrifice and gratitude for Jesus life, and death.
And at the close of the Holiday season, at least for the last several years, comes severe health issues.
Apparently my Auto-Immune Disease doesn't like the heaviness of the Holidays...
Last year at about this time I was in Scripps Hospital in San Diego.... they were ruling out a possible stroke or heart attack.
Not Good.
This year, I recognized the change in my biological weather before it hit hurricane status and we caught things before they were completely out of control again.
I mean, they were out of control for sure, but not to the degree that I needed to be in the hospital.
(Photo Credit: My 13yo son, The Squid)
So off for lots of testing.
And now we wait.
I can't count how many times my life has felt out of control.
My choices out of control.
My eating out of control.
My family out of control.
My reactions out of control.
My circumstances out of control.
And then it hit me...
My Saviour is never out of control.
He is always, ever, continually in control.
And peace rushes in like fresh air on the Oregon Coast...
I can rest in Him because He knows it all.
He knows how all this started, where it's going, and how it ends.
If I quiet myself to spend time with Him he gives me insight into how to navigate these waters and assures me that He is with me all the while.
His banner over me is love... even if I'm laid up in bed with bones that don't know what they want to do, or not do.
It's an interesting life for sure, full of way more good than bad, living with auto-immune disease and other health issues that really like to give me a run for my money... But I know this more than ever, that He is TRULY in control. That He loves me and wants the very best for my life, even if it doesn't look that way to me... especially if it doesn't look that way to me.
Gratitude washes off the grime of years spent focusing on elaborate lies cloaked in fear.
The Lord has built a step ladder out of thousands upon thousands of daily love gifts to me that allows me to peek over the wall of health issues... and the view is stunning.
I'm surrounded by miracles.
I don't have to look far and I see them, talk with them, walk around in them, hold them in my arms, watch them play football, listen to their coos as they nod off to sleep on my lap....
Jesus has been so good to me, good for me, good around me.
He is so good.
I'm thankful for His guiding hand, His light for this path, His healing here or There... For Him.
For His endless love gifts all along the way.
And for opening my eyes to see them.
Life gets heavy for sure, but it never outweighs His love.
Never.
