The Last Day of School....

There are almost no words to describe this day in our region...

No mother raises her child to send them off to school to die.

Or pull a gun out of a backpack and shoot people in the cafeteria.....

...and then turn that gun on himself.

I have prayed and cried and prayed again and again today...

People just keep coming to mind that desperately need the help of someone in charge.

Someone who can do something.

Someone who is in control when

everything

is 

out of

 c o n t r o l....

Just three weeks ago I sat in the bleachers with my husband at Marysville Pilchuck High School. I distinctly remember thinking about the moms on the other side of the field... about how right at that moment we were cheering against each other, but in the face of something harder... a real battle perhaps... we would be on our knees together. I told my husband that as we left the field that night...

...and today is that day.

Nothing can prepare you for something like this.

Nothing.

But I do believe, with all my heart, that you can be carried through something

JUST

LIKE

THIS....

By Jesus Himself.

I asked today that the Lord would carry the parents who were frantically trying to locate their kids...

 The teachers who were doing their best to protect and direct terrified students...

The law enforcement officers that were responding...

The medical staff that were readying themselves to attend to unthinkable wounds...

For teens across the region that would get this news and respond in every imaginable way...

And that as people look for answers that they might find The Answer in Jesus Himself.

Only He can make sense of this. 

Only He can comfort and heal on the level this requires.

I sit here in my quiet room, my chosen coping mechanisms close by, (hot tea and sunflower seed/thompsons raisins mix), and two peaceful pups relaxed from the bath I inflicted on all three dogs this evening as part of a therapeutic exercise as well. I hear my son clomping around downstairs with his size 11 shoes...

and I am beyond thankful that he is down there doing whatever it is that his teenage stomach is dictating.

I lit a candle today in the midst of the unfolding of the details of the horror at MPHS, to be a tangible reminder that Jesus IS the light of the world. That no matter how dark the situation, that darkness doesn't dim his light. No, He shines all the brighter. 

I don't understand the whys of today.

But I do know Who.

Jesus. 

Always.

Jesus.

Nothing is too big, or terrifying, or horrific for Him.

He is always the First Responder... For He is always, ever, there.

I will be praying for everyone involved, all those affected by this tragedy, for a long time to come.

And especially for the families of the students whose last day of school was

today. 

Ever faithful.... Ever true.... Jesus in the Fire.

Communicating isn't easy at the moment...

This body fights me sometimes in ways I can't even fight back.

My perspective has changed so radically, so drastically, so completely.

I can remember thinking constantly about what other people thought of me, of my kids, my clothes, my car....

Fear had me by one hand and Pride had me by the other.

I put Jesus in a box with a glass front painted with the words, "In Case of Emergency Break Here."

He was my plan B.

I don't like seeing that in type. I don't like admitting it. But it was true.

It WAS true...

I have seen the most devastating things build the most beautiful moments in the midst of rubble as far as the eye can see... literally.

I can't pretend that Jesus isn't GOD.

That He isn't on the throne of all Heaven.

That NOTHING HAPPENING ON EARTH will make Him get up and pace that sapphire floor....

Nothing.

Not Ebola.

Not cancer.

Not financial ruin.

Not broken relationships.

Not war or famine or death.

He has seen it all.

He knows that in the end everything will be alright.

He's already there...

He is from Age to Age the same.

From before the foundations of the Earth.....

Jesus

I have been at the end of myself on a road I didn't know with my children crying out to Him with tear stained faces in between asking me if we were going to live through that World's Largest Tornado... 

...and in that moment I could say, with my heart banging like an old tractor engine, "I don't know. But if we don't we know where we will go. Jesus will never leave us. He will carry us home."

Truth.

Solid truth that you can stand on. That you can hold onto when the winds are raging, and the floods are rising, and the sky is swallowing homes and cars and people...

Stillness in the Storm, He is.

Direction in the Chaos, He is.

The Hand that reaches out, not to hold your hand, but to HOLD YOU.... He is.

There hasn't been a moment in this day that I haven't prayed for a dear family that I love that is going through a nightmare... a raging swirling nightmare of pain and suffering and love and praise and prayer and aching and hope and courage and terror..... It's their world's largest tornado.

It's a storm they can't navigate alone...

I watched as the people in the actual Tornado Alley banded together regardless of income, race, beliefs, age.... they came together because there was such great need. They sat together on half obliterated curbs and ate barbecued pork sandwiches out of foil wrappers that some college guys brought all the way from Texas.

They came together to share their strength. Their love. Their understanding. 

I drove across the U.S. those times not because I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but because I understand devastation. I understand desperate need. Pain and suffering are no stranger to me.

Pain and suffering are no stranger to Jesus.

I prayed yesterday over a task that I really wanted to do well at. I was feeling shaky at best and I said to the Lord, "I just really want to nail this Lord."

His reply was, "I already have."

And in that moment I saw his nail scarred hand and I remembered the truth that IT IS FINISHED.

He has already gone before me and prepared the way, for everything.

There is nothing I will face that He is not aware of, or makes Him shaky at best.

He is the Author and the Finisher.

In my heartache for my friends facing this terrifying inoperable brain tumor I have come to the place where I just say His name...

Jesus Jesus Jesus...

I know that He is with them because He is with me.

He says He will never leave us or forsake us.

Never.

Not in the wildest storm.

Not in the darkest night.

Not in the deepest pain of the body or soul or mind.

Never.

That scene of Daniel's friends in the fire there in the Old Testament has been in and out of my mind for weeks now off and on...

My husband and I are in our own fiery furnace... So many dear friends in fires of all sorts... and I am reminded time and again that the only things that were lost in those hottest flames were the things that bound them....

If Jesus is in the fire with me then I can count on only being more free on the other side of it.

Truth.

Unchanging Truth.

Those three men so long ago walked around in the fire with Jesus. 

WALKED AROUND IN THE FIRE.

They were bound up and thrown in that furnace, but once they were in the flames...

They were free to move. To walk. To walk with Jesus.

Even the flames obey Him. They can only do what He allows.

And Faith says that what He allows sets me free...

Oh Lord I DO believe.... I DO.

Help my unbelief...

Watching friends and family members suffer is so hard. The temptation to ask God "Why?' at every new twist and turn in the road is sometimes like the worst itch you just can't reach.

I don't think He minds the why's. He knows who I am. He knows what I'm made of and how He made me.

I remember my little children looking up at me asking why about more things than I can count...

So inquisitive. So observant. So smart.

I didn't mind their why's either. 

Oh to have faith like a child... 

Complete trust. 

Sometimes the best prayer I can offer in the fire is, "I trust you Jesus. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your faithful love. Change me Lord. Change me."

I used to want for my circumstances to change so badly. I just knew I would be happy when...

I had a better smile.

I could live in a different place.

I had more time, more money, more hair...

Oh no.

No no.

It just isn't really like that.

Ever.

You are who you are wherever you are.

Not my circumstances Lord....

"Change me Lord. Change me."

There is no glass to break in case of emergency.

No glass... just His name...

Jesus. 

He's with me in the fire.

He's with us in the fire.

Delivering from those things that bind...

Ever faithful.... Ever true....

Free to walk with Him

Jesus,

in the fire.










 

Waking up late.

Even as a child I loved to stay up late.

My mother was so concerned in my toddler years that she actually took me to the pediatrician to ask why I didn't sleep.

He told her, "That's just the way her clock is set. She's fine."

I'm not so sure I agree with his opinion.

It's hard to get up early in the morning when you stay up late.

An obvious truth for sure, but it's so hard to get your hands around that when staying up late is what you've been doing... what you've been choosing... what you've been told is normal, for so very long.

I remember getting my first, and only, referral in school. It was for being argumentative.

Who, Me? Have an opinion? Speak before thinking? Not give much thought, and certainly not any weight, to possible consequences?

You can bet your blue suede shoes on that...

My childhood was marked with difficulty falling asleep, vivid night terrors, painful issues socially, and increasingly poor choices as adolescence closed in.

I can recall laying in my bed at night, covers up under my chin, long flannel night gown wrapped around my legs, eyes closed tight just trying to will sleep to come.

Angry leg cramps would come and go like unexpected squalls on the Oregon Coast. The ache all over my body and gnawing hunger that was a permanent resident in the depth of my stomach are sentinels at the gates to my youth.

Psalm 139:14 says, "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Fearful is a term I can relate to, but wonderful?

With all of these physical, emotional, relational issues.... wonderful?

Definition of Wonderful: inspiring delight, pleasure, or admiration; extremely good; marvelous.

Almost a decade ago I asked the Lord to restore my sense of wonder about the world, about life, about Him.

The answer He gave was not what I expected... 

I have always been a person that likes to understand things. I like to know how, why, when, what, where and who.

I can research things ad nauseum, and I have.

I was only 4 when I began reading. I have always loved reading and books. There were a couple of different encyclopedia sets in our house, and a set of Childcraft books (which are often referred to as the How and Why Library) that I loved to snuggle up with in the corner of one of our upstairs rooms.

My mother worked for a local hospital and she had been given a Physicians Desk Reference from a previous year that sat in the built-in shelves by our fireplace. The lure of the deep red hardcover pulled me in on many afternoons and I would sit on our scratchy green davenport and pour through it's pages.

When I cried out to Jesus to save me in 1991 I brought a lot of things with me...

Homelessness...

Teen pregnancy...

Addiction...

Fear...

Every imaginable need.

But somewhere in there, under all the wreckage and pain, I still loved to read.

In my childhood home we had lots of books, and I added to the pile on a regular basis, but one that stands out for sure was our Bible.

It was BIG.

It had an off-white hard cover and gold-edged pages. There were glossy full-page illustrations for many of the key events. I remember seeing it open to the picture of Jesus in a manger with the Star of Bethlehem in the sky above at Christmastime. A little sprig of holly was laid there in the pages by my mother. It evoked wonder in me even then.

But I wasn't allowed to touch it. That huge, beautiful, gilded book was just for looking at.

Not snuggling up in a corner upstairs with.

It was something to be revered, but not used for reference.

A Family Bible for sure, but not familiar in the true sense of the word.

Definition of Familiar:  well known from long or close association.

Long is accurate for sure, but close? Maybe not so much...

So fast forward back to my request for wonder...

Somewhere in the library of all the hows and whys I had amassed since my childhood, I lost wonder.

Definition of Wonder: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, familiar, or inexplicable.

Wonder can be stolen by so many things....

Trauma.

Neglect.

Abuse.

Betrayal.

Illness

Bitterness.

Intellect.

The list is probably as varied as our fingerprints, but no matter the thief wonder still needs to be restored.

It's difficult to experience wonder when you're exhausted, when sleep has been illusive like trout in a quiet mountain lake. Everything is set up just right... bait's on.. only quiet voices.. you even have your lucky fishing hat.. but no bite.

My prayer for wonder came in my late 20's.

Late in the throws of a terrifying season of my life.

I even prayed the prayer late at night.

And the process of restoring my receptors of wonder began.

When someone is afraid, the antidote that is often suggested is familiarity.

Just learn about it, figure it out, read up, ask questions...

But the only true antidote for fear is faith.

Definition of Faith: a belief that is not based on proof.

So there goes all the research...

The answer to my prayer for wonder has come through time spent in prayer, in studying the Bible (I now have several that I'm allowed to touch), and in waiting at the feet of Jesus Himself for wisdom, answers, and direction.

I have woken up late to so many things...

...to the reality of the gift that this life is.

...to truths about Who God is and who I am in Him.

...to the treasure that my family and friends are.

...to the beauty of sacrificial love and genuine commitment.

There have been so many answered prayers, so many comforting verses from the Word, so many unexplainable 'God moments'.... I awake in wonder now.

The Lord is not a cruel master, flipping a bright light switch in tandem with a much too loud voice stating, "Get up! You've overslept and now you're really going to get it..."

No.

He has been more than gentle in His dealings with this sleepy head.

Patient, truthful, faithful.... wonderful.

I heard a saying once that went something like this, 'Feel free to restart your day anytime. You can start from right where you're at and make it a good day.'

I have to say, I think that suggestion was inspired by the heart of God Himself. It's really true. You truly can start from wherever you are right now... from whatever circumstance you find yourself in...

He welcomes even the late arrivals... who've maybe stayed up trying to figure out the hows and whys a little too late on their own.

His timing is perfect...

...and His ways are, well...

wonderful.

Does your housekeeper love you?

Okay, most of us average people don't have a housekeeper.

But we do have the Barista that we see regularly.

Or maybe that cashier at our favorite store.

Or the Librarian that has been wearing the same vintage glasses since they were in fashion the first time....

Perhaps the person that comes to mind is someone who you've gone to Zumba with for over a year now... Works in the cubicle next to yours... Sits directly behind you at church every Sunday... Lives on your block... Drives your child's bus... Has your same last name and the eyes of your Grandfather... Or maybe even placed a ring on your finger and made promises to you that echo into forever...

I woke up one morning last week with this partial verse running through my head on repeat:
"Do everything as unto the Lord...." (Col. 3:23)

It went round and round and round.... and then it stopped.

The echo that remained was the word EVERYTHING.

I got up from my bed and headed to the bathroom to get ready for my day and a new thought stream began to flow....

Everything as unto the Lord....

As unto the Lord....

Get out of bed as unto the Lord.

Look at my reflection as unto the Lord.

Choose my clothing as unto the Lord.

Take in the beauty of Autumn outside my window as unto the Lord.

Listen to my children roaming through the house as unto the Lord.

and then...

Complain as unto the Lord?

Stress about the future as unto the Lord?

Criticize my husband as unto the Lord?

Procrastinate as unto the Lord?

Focus on constant negativity as unto the Lord?

Harbor unforgiveness as unto the Lord?

Put off what I know I should do NOW as unto the Lord?

WAIT.....

I looked in to the mirror. Really looked hard at my reflection there.

I asked the Lord, "Why? Why is it that I struggle with focus? That I forget daily that everything I do is AS UNTO YOU. An offering to you, my daily gift to you. Why do I struggle with hanging on to these things, avoiding these things, training my eyes to look in one direction when I feel you calling me in another... why?"

And the answer came so quickly I had to hold onto the counter to keep from buckling under the truth of it....

UNBELIEF.

The word flashed on a white canvas in my mind in 50 different fonts and every color I have ever imagined....

...but the last time it landed, right in the middle of the mess, it was bold and red and BIG....

UNBELIEF

I took a sharp breath in, not in shock or surprise, but with familiarity. Like being confronted with an old bully from Jr. High. My gut turned over and I felt that old sense of failure and captivity that comes with that word.

Unbelief.

It has manifested itself in so many ways in my life. So many levels. Subtle. Flagrant. Sophisticated. Grungy. As quiet as a whisper and as loud as a fog horn.

We are not strangers.

I came down the stairs to start the day with a heart tuned to the voice of the One I say I believe in.

And oh I do. I believe...

I felt much like the father in that story in Mark chapter 9....

 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe in the Lord, I believe that He came and died on a cross and rose again on the 3rd day and is preparing a place for all those who believe....

Believe...

Belief...

Unbelief.

There I was again. That word.

So I did what wordy people do... I looked it up.

And here's what jumped at me when I did, 

Unbelief-
In the Greek: apistia: unbelief
Part of Speech: noun, feminine
Definition: unfaithfulness, distrust

Ouch.

Another word that felt more like a void that cold winds blow through...
  
Trust-
Definition: firm belief in the reliability, truth,
ability, or strength of something or someone
Synonyms: confidence, belief, faith, certainty,
assurance, conviction, credence, reliance


 Do we have to go here again? This crevasse that I can't cross. This exercise that only highlights my total inability to complete Even One REP... It's not that I don't want to. I DO. I always have... I, just, well... I don't know how.

Trust is earned. Trust is given. Trust is modeled....

But it's always felt like trust is an enigma. A mystery. The Unicorn grazing peacefully while crystal rainbows form in perfect circles above her pristine white mane.... 

Yes... No...WAIT......

Trust is belief. 

Belief is trust. 

Unbelief is Distrust.

Distrust is Unbelief.

Oh me. 

When will this never ending cycle ever end?

I'm cruising along through life and everything is going just great and then one morning I wake up and I'm challenged. Challenged by the Lord.

This isn't the first morning like this. No. I've had many. But the usual M.O. is to get busy doing things that don't highlight the myriad of reasons why my Trust button doesn't work.

Who wants to sit and think about all that junk? 

But on this particular morning, all those familiar painful memories flew by my mind like cards being shuffled. Slow enough for me to recognize them, but fast enough that the usual feelings attached to them didn't have time to land.

Mercy...

Again.... "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."

My unbelief.

My broken trust.

My lack of confidence, certainty, conviction....

Where do I find the key Lord? The key to unlock my unbelief?

...and the answer floated down like a feather from a clear blue sky...

forgiveness...
 Ahhh.... now this is a muscle I'm familiar with.

Sore from use in forgiving myself for so much sin that I once held like a blanket and now hate with the very fibers of my being. 

But the Lord had some specific forgiving in mind... He began to bring to memory situations that I hadn't thought about in decades. 

Horrible, gruesome, true memories of cruelty and evil.

And in those memories certain frames would stop, stark and still, and in THOSE moments the Lord would say "Forgive there. Right then. Forgive and pray. Forgive now."

So I did.

In my minds eye, I looked right into the eyes of both of the people that the Lord brought to mind. In THOSE moments... and I forgave. It was like a paralysis being reversed. 

Tears came. I prayed as I felt led to, and I sensed light shining into places that had long been dark.

"I do believe (trust); help me overcome my unbelief (distrust)."

Jesus is reliable. I know that well. He has never let me down, He never will. He can't... it's not in His nature. 

 I know that He is trustworthy. I have trusted in Him for many things. For my salvation. For my healing. For the lives and eternal lives of my loved ones. For the very breath I breathe.

 Do everything as unto the Lord. 

Everything.... Lord. It's all yours. 

Release my past as unto the Lord.

Walk my remaining days redeemed as unto the Lord...

I went back to the Strongs Exhaustive Bible Concordance Online and looked up forgiveness...

Forgiveness-
Definition: release from bondage or imprisonment,
to pardon, the cancellation of a debt
Part of speech: noun, feminine
Synonyms: pardon, excuse, extend mercy

I went back and forth between the definitions of unbelief and forgiveness.... I couldn't help but notice that both were nouns in the feminine form...

The feminine form...

Which feminine form do I want to be?

I have had the opportunity to witness many believing, trusting, faith-filled women in my life. Many are my friends and loved ones. I am honored to know them and blessed to have the examples to follow...

One such woman is my friend Jenni Sprunger.

She chooses to be a believer. A truster. She chooses to have faith in the face of heartbreaking trial and tragedy...

Face your husband's inoperable brain tumor as unto the Lord.

I see her determination to love her Lord and love her man no matter what, and I see the feminine form I want to be.

Another woman is a sweet sister in Christ that just went home to Jesus last week.

Joyce Hamilton Graham...

She battled vicious bladder cancer and faced it with a smile and love for her friends and family that shined the love of God like sunrise over the Grand Canyon.

The testimonies of her love and joy and faith in the steadfast redemption of Jesus at her memorial yesterday are another example of the feminine form I want to be.

I sat next to her housekeeper of a decade and watched as tears rolled down this young woman's face at the loss of such a gracious and genuine lover of God and His people.

Her housekeeper loved her.

The young moms she mentored loved her.

Her god children, grandchildren, grown children loved her.

Her husband loved her.

Right up until the very end she was loving on people...

Live a life of love even when you're facing your own death as unto the Lord.

I don't have a housekeeper. But if I did, I want to be the feminine form that she would love. 

Because I'm a believer, a truster, a forgiver. 

Because Jesus loves me, helps me, gives me the strength to be the feminine form he made me to be....

Yes. 

I 
     do
             believe.