New Words..... Familiar Love... Perfect

Early this morning, before the sun came up, I was jolted awake with a painfully not-so-kind reminder that I am in the trenches of a celiac relapse due to gluten exposure that happened a week ago. Simply put: a relapse means titanic pain (especially after eating, once the food begins passing through the small intestine), eventual fatigue, lots of laying down, and unpleasant digestive outbursts of every kind. 

I spent much of those early hours between our tiny bathroom and living room floor. (Thankful for both!)

Our 5th wheel is divided into basically two studio apartments. One upstairs, and one downstairs. The kitchen and bathroom areas are shared. This gives our daughter the privacy she needs, and works great for the circumstance we find ourselves in. Super grateful. 

BUT... When I'm dealing with a physical trial of this magnitude... Well, there really is no privacy. Not completely any way. And certainly not for my sweet husband. 

NEWSFLASH: It isn't easy AT ALL being married to someone with multiple chronic health issues. Nope. Not one bit. 

So, as Rick was getting some much deserved sleep on the sofa with one of the pups, I cuddled up to the heater and our other pup who was looking much like a scoop of cafeteria mashed potatoes plopped into his dog bed. 

As I was sitting there, waiting for the next abdominal prompt to head to the restroom.... I looked down and noticed all my dress shoes nestled carefully near the heater. At the same moment I heard Rick's soft breathing from behind me on the couch. 

And then I rememebered how he had taken my shoes that had been stored in a cubby that started to have a mildew issue and sterilized them outside. He then brought them in to completely dry by the heater. 

Outside in the cold, wet, windy weather.

 

My dress shoes that I rarely ever wear because my left foot and ankle were forever changed in my car accident 4 years ago. 

And he was already tired when we discovered the mildew issue last evening. 

Inside my head, my life has a sound track. Much like a movie. But I don't have any say, really, about which songs play at any given moment. 

The song that came this morning as I pondered the sacrifical love of my man was.... 'So This Is Love', from Disney's original Cinderella film. Soft and sweet, it floated through my soul like a feather on a summer breeze.  

The reminder gently shook loose other recent memories of this man and his reflection-of-Jesus love for me...

Endless bowls of soft foods this last week, (read OATMEAL). Walking at a much slower pace in the grocery store, then having to wait patiently while I stop to get a picture of the sweetest, teensy, hot pink flower. Rolling down his window so I can get a good shot of a view I love with all my heart, so I don't have to stand out in the windy cold weather.

The list could go on and on, but these were the beauties that came to warm my heart and comfort my mind in that moment on the rug this morning. 

The last 4 years have been some of the most incomprehensibly hard I could ever have imagined. 

I thought I would never really write again, paint again, play again.....

But so often in life, if something that is broken is given what it needs to heal... It heals so much STRONGER. 

I'm here to say that we are living it. Even in... No, ESPECIALLY in these most difficult times. 

Thank you JESUS for this gift I have in a man named Rick Spears. 

For reminding me, in the sweetest of ways, of all the strong healing You have done and will do. 

So this is love.... Mm mm Mmm Mm.... So this IS Love....... 💗

(He held all the dogs while I took that one too.) 💗🐾

If Walls Could Speak

I am at a point in my life where I must re-calibrate. 

Everything is the same, but the awareness is different.

More on that another time.

For now I am going to log all of the words from the walls of my office... right here.

Pictures too.

Change has never been easy for me, ever.

This change won't be either, but I know it must happen.

So here is what my walls have to say:

"Train for the trial you are not yet in." ~ Levi Lusko

"I don't know if you can truly ever be a servant of the Lord if you are not willing to be someone's aid." ~ Christine Caine

"It's not about who I am, but WHOSE I am." ~ Unknown

"Trusting God's plan is THE ONLY SECRET I KNOW in the gentle art of NOT FREAKING OUT." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

"There is always, always, always something to be thankful for." ~ Ann Voskamp

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" ~ The NIV Bible

"The spotlight that is on you will kill you if the light of Christ in you is not greater." ~ Christine Caine

"Only speak words that make souls stronger." ~ Unknown

"Do better now my child." ~ Ravi Zacharias expressing the heart of God for the failure laden

"Progress is progress no matter how slow." ~ Unknown

"God is working on your behalf. Heaven is holding conversations about you. Angels have been assigned. Be at peace." ~ Unknown

"On the other side of your pain is purpose." ~ Christine Caine

"The truth is so valuable that it is often surrounded by a bodyguard of lies." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Complete Treasure" ~ our words of the year for 2016

"Manipulation is the nasty little brother of coercion." ~ Unknown

"Behold I am doing a new thing." ~ God

"And He who was seated on the throne said; 'Behold I am making all things new.' " ~ Revelation 21:5

"If we could get us to get our eyes off us and onto the greatness of God, it would CHANGE EVERYTHING." ~ Christine Caine

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I'm alone. I believe in God even when He is silent." ~ Unknown

"I love you to the moon and back again." On a gift poster from a dear friend.

"Hurried by worry delays the comfort of God." ~ Ann Voskamp

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." ~ God

"The only true disability in life is a BAD ATTITUDE. You get to choose." ~ Unknown

"There are four areas that you look to for absolutes: Evil, Justice, Love, and Forgiveness." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Freedom is a blood type... Jesus' Blood!" ~ Unknown

"We fight from Victory not for victory. Jesus wins." ~ Unknown

"There comes a time when you have to make what Jesus did for you bigger than anything anyone did or said to you." ~ Christine Caine

"Worry is believing God won't get it right. Bitterness is believing God got it wrong." ~ Unknown

"A labor of love. 'We will be rewarded for good works done in obedience to God, according to His power and for His glory." ~ Charles Stanley

"Walking by Faith is just life without scheming." ~ Unknown

 "Keep moving forward... Trust, Obey, Trust, Obey...." ~ Me

"God is good, All the time." ~ Poster made by a Volunteer from Special Friends Camp

"Enjoy the little things." ~ Unknown

"Take a look at your heart. Because the day you see your heart as desperately wicked and in need of Jesus is the day you could become an answer rather than a question." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"God has already taken into account the wrong turns, the mistakes, in your life. Quit beating yourself up and accept His mercy." ~ Unknown

"Pray to God and carry on." ~ Unknown

"Lust can hardly wait to get. Love can hardly wait to give." ~ Unknown

"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle." ~ Unknown

"Death either takes you to your treasure or from it." ~ Levi Lusko

"Happiness is being married to your best friend." ~ Unknown

"To sin is to state: 'God I do not want you to be my King.' " ~ Unknown

"Whatever problem lies ahead of you doesn't compare to the power of the person behind you." ~ Ann Voskamp


Most of these quotes and sayings were written on small post-it notes that had minuscule pieces of duct tape holding them onto the wall. They are safely nestled in my lovely cherry red trash can now that they are memorialized here.

I think it's safe to say that I have surrounded myself with positive truths. Words that take my mind to places that encourage me to press on in the good and to depart from the bad. Then there is beauty....

Faces I love.

Faces I pray for.

Faces I have never met but tug on my heart each time I look at them.

Art.

Stickers.

Things that remind me of the treasure in my mine-field past.

Images that bring me hope.

Gifts from friends.

Encouragement.

IN-COURAGE-MEANT.

Meant to bring courage in.

If you stalk my Facebook wall enough you will piece together hints of my past that paint a picture.

Parts of that picture are hard to look at. 

Finger painting has always been one of my favorite ways to paint. 

I love to not just see the paint going onto the canvas, but to feel it. 

I've been that way since I was a child. 

To move it and watch it change as I go.

That little girl had no idea what was ahead.  

Or what kind of images her choices would portray. 
Much of my life was like an 18 month old with black oil paint in a wedding dress boutique. 

My ability to see the long term effects of my choices was nil.

My choices were all driven by emotions that were out of control.

If I had any compass at all, True North changed daily.

The fallout left scars. 

Not just on myself, but on those closest to me.

There are places in my heart that are cauterized by the fire of consequence.

I was a magnet for hurtful people.

Who didn't just hurt me.

When you come from darkness like that...

When the Lord rescues you and clothes you and heals you in both mind and body.

There is an enemy that doesn't want you stop staring at the carnage.

Rehashing the what-if's.

But every time I'm tempted, I hear a familiar voice say, "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." And, "Be Still and Know that I am God." And, "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

If I am going to live in the Light, I have to surround myself with the Truth.

If I am going to never go back to those awful ways of thinking and living, I have to fix my eyes on what lies ahead. What has been promised to me.

To think on what is good and true and lovely and....

Jesus in His mercy has been so good to me. 

He is in control and is able to do the impossible.

His promises are true. Always.

I need to remind myself of that daily.

So I surround myself with truth, with reminders of His goodness in my life despite the mine fields.

What do you surround yourself with?









 

Blue is the color of Heaven

Oh I've been an uber facebook poster today.... It's been comforting to know that so many believers are praying in unison and aching together for the comfort of families, friends, communities that have been ravaged by this latest tragedy in my beloved home state of Oregon.

I myself have been pushed to my emotional limit recently in the face of my husband's inability to breathe...

The effects of it are still raw and I am near tears without much provocation.

 

I know the experience of fearing for the welfare of someone you love.

 

For your child...

 

I still remember the chalky pallor and bloated face of my son when he came out of cardiac surgery.

 

I remember the surgery team explaining that he could have a heart attack, stroke, or even die during the time he would be in the operating room.

 

He nodded that he understood.

 

I felt like my limbs were made of cardboard.

 

Or the time when my youngest daughter contracted a virus that spiked her poor body into a fever over 105 degrees for several days in a row.

I was pregnant with my youngest son, nauseated around the clock, and my poor little girl's veins were collapsing with every attempt of the ER nurses to get life-saving fluids into her rapidly dehydrating body.

 

So many times I have lifted the 5 children I birthed up to the Lord in prayer for healing.

I asked with all my being that the Lord would heal my kids. That they would play again, laugh again, that they would live.

And His answer was yes.

I will forever be grateful for the healing He has orchestrated for my children on so many occasions. I am humbled by this merciful gift for sure.

But what if His answer had been no?

I'm sure that many of the parents of the students that were killed at UCC prayed for their children.

For safety.

For protection.

For blessing.

Could it be that in His infinite wisdom and eternally flawless knowledge His 'yes' just looks different than we thought it would?

My youngest son walked into my room today and said, "Ya know Mom, it's really awful what's happened in Roseburg and I'm praying for the families and friends of all who were involved. But isn't it awesome that we know where those students are? That they're with Jesus and are happier than they ever could've been here on Earth? It's super sad, but I think that's the good part."

 

He's right.

That's the best part.

They are safer than they ever could be here.

They are protected in a way that we can only dream of.

They are blessed beyond imagination in the presence of the King.

His comments yanked my head up from the news trolling I was doing to see any updates on the situation, and I'm so glad he spoke up.

The real promise of Heaven.

If we keep our eyes fixed on Heaven and on the Face of our King...

 

Maybe we will see that His 'yes' is what we have always longed for.

I pray for the eternal salvation of my kids daily. 

I have two in Heaven already.

I imagine them in that timeless place waiting for me.

Their faces lit by the light of His face.

Their beautiful feet walking on the flawless sapphire floor of the Throne Room of God.

Blue is the color of Heaven.

 

 

 

What beautiful truth we can clothe ourselves in, the truth that in Jesus no one is ever lost.

That in that eternal timeless place we will all meet again and all sorrow will be gone.

I love my children.

All of them.

And I pray daily for their safety, health, wholeness....

But first and foremost I pray for their beautiful souls.

And for the day we will feel blue together in a whole new way.

With all my heart and everything in me...

Alexandria Eden

Daniel John

Hannah Jane

Gabriel Michael

Elisha Nathaniel

"My Name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Ever had a moment where you're listening to a song you've heard a thousand times, or reading a book you've read since Jr. High, or watching a movie that you know WORD FOR WORD and a line hits you sideways and out comes a whole heap of connections and thoughts that have been floating around in your head disconnected until that very moment?

Yeah, me neither.

Okay wait...

That very thing totally happened to me last night as we were watching The Princess Bride with a group of staff and volunteers from Camp.

I literally have the entire movie memorized.

I'm pretty sure most of my kids do too.

Anyway, while half-watching the movie last night, (I had my grandson Bradley here and he's just too cute to give ALL my attention to anything else...), I heard that familiar line in that familiar scene where Inigo finally slays the 6 fingered man... 

"My Name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He had a life mission to avenge his father.

The passion in his face is unmistakeable.

The pain too.

He just wants his father back.

I can relate.

I won't go into painful details of my past with my father, but I will say that I grieve for what never was and never will be now that he is so very ill with neurodegenerative disease.

There has been redemption in the midst of it all, and I know my father loves me and he knows I love him... but it just isn't, and hasn't been, a fairy tale in any form.

I was angry for a long time.

Angry at him. Then angry at God. Then angry at me.

Then I gave it all over to the Lord and asked him to take the anger away.

And He did.

I have peace now in that same place that the anger lived in, and I also have a whole lot of fire and determination about certain things.

Things like nutrition and neurology and mental health and fertility and chronic disease and epigenetics and wholeness..... and how all of it is so intricately connected.

I get pretty long winded and stand on a fairly large soap box when I talk about it all...

Consider yourself warned.

It's huge.

The implications are so far reaching no one really understands it all...

But I have already seen miraculous results in my own family... in my own life... in me.

I'm not exactly sure what the process was that has led to my father's neurological degeneration, or his father's suicide, or my years and years of depression/anxiety/ADD... but I do know that I'm closer.

I'm living proof.

If our bodies aren't getting what they desperately need to function properly, to heal as they were made to, then what can we expect?

Degeneration on every level.

And you don't have to wait until your 70's to see it.

I started experiencing health issues as a small child... a toddler.

I've prayed and prayed about what the Lord would have me do to help as many people as possible to be free from similar issues. To have bodies and minds that function as closely as possible to what He intended.

And you know what?

He answered.

So...

I'm pursuing my certification as a Master Holistic Nutritionist, amongst other certifications, and I am so thrilled to see what the Lord is going to do with all of this!

I've been researching on my own for years so a lot of the information is familiar.

(Those of you who know me well are not shocked at all I'm sure...)

He really does use all of the little nerdy quirks that make me who I am...

The only intimidating parts are the weight of my Anatomy and Physiology Book and my time management skills....

So if you feel led, pray about those!!

I know that He is in all the details, and that He will provide for every possible need in this.

Just imagine, if people could think properly not controlled by their emotional state gone awry... If anxiety and depression and ADHD were all but gone... If there were less heart disease, stroke, Parkinson's, dementia, the big C.... If autistic people could be helped in ways that were thought impossible...If so many miscarriages were a thing of the past.... If addiction was a word we had to look up.... If we could serve Him and our families all that much more because we could function properly...

The Enemy's playground would be a whole lot smaller in our homes. 

It's totally possible.

And not too far away.

If you are someone that prays, please pray for me as I move forward.

This is what I was born for, I feel it in my bones.

Isaiah 61:1

John 10:10

Internal Leprosy...

Sick as a dog...

Who came up with that term anyway?

I mean, I've seen plenty of dogs sick. And for the most part they still wag their tails and recover fairly rapidly... So long as it isn't something terminal.

Definitely sad...

But cats?

Cats on the other end are GNARLY when they're ill, at least in my experience.

Especially with respiratory stuff... The wheezing, the coughing, the runny eyes and bubbling mucous from their teensy nostrils....

Gnarly.

I'm currently sick.

Caught a bug from my sons and it's running it's course through my head and joints...

 Not necessarily gnarly, but it got me thinking...

My husband read a devotion to me a few mornings ago about Jesus and the Leper.

Leprosy is gnarly.

Gruesome.

Debilitating.

Isolating.

A person with leprosy in Biblical times was marked.

Commanded to cry out 'Unclean!' as they made their way through the streets to warn others of their approach.

Hopeless.

As a girl who scored a 12 out of 12 concerning touch as my Love Language, the thought of being ostracized and untouchable makes me shudder.

As my husband read the devotion he was noticeably moved. He could relate to the feelings expressed by the author.

The shame.

The horror.

The disconnectedness.

The ridicule.

Painful doesn't really do it justice...

Leprosy starts out painful but results in numbness.

Deadness.

Irretrievable loss.

What begins as a wound ends as a gaping vacancy.

There is an innate inability to heal.

We always pray after we do our devotions and that morning wasn't different.

As he held my hand I was grateful for his touch in a new way.

But as he prayed he said something that pierced me....

"Lord, I can't begin to comprehend what it would be like to be a leper. But I do know what it's like to feel shame. To feel marked. To feel disconnected. To struggle daily. To live with internal leprosy in desperate need of a Healer..."

Internal Leprosy...

What started out as a wound now numb and rotting,

or maybe even just gone.

Oh it rang through the halls of my heart and found so many places to land!

I too walked so many years with the internal dragging of emotional and mental limbs.

The rot of sin and it's consequences eating away at the beautiful gifts the Lord so carefully placed there.

The injury of abuse, divorce, addiction, unforgiveness, envy, selfishness...

And in my mind always the echo of  "Unclean... unclean.... unclean..."

On the outside, however, everything looked pretty great...

The to-do list was checked off.

The smile was intact.

The house was reasonably clean.

The obligatory duty to God and man was in order...

But inside?

Rotting.

My husband and I know that all too well...

The exhaustion of constantly covering up...

And finally the admittance that we desperately needed the Healer.

The Leper in Matthew 8 went in search of Jesus,

1 "When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him.² A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."

He approached Jesus...

in a large crowd.

Do you think that he was crying out 'Unclean!' as he moved in that crowd?

Or do you think that the had carefully bundled himself so that nothing showed, making sure not to let anyone get too close, planning each movement with meticulous care to assure he wouldn't be identified as...

Grotesque

Unacceptable

A lost cause

Beyond help?

I tend to think the latter...

It's my opinion for sure, but it fits the image that Scripture paints for me.

Jesus would have been the focus of the crowd.

The Leper knelt before Him.

I'm thinking the Leper was right in the middle of it all...

And how many of us are right in the middle of it all?

The middle of ministry

The middle of chronic illness

The middle of grief

The middle of parenting

The middle of mental illness

The middle of loss...

No one is immune.

We're all in the middle of something.

But I guess the question is: 

Are we in the middle with Jesus?

The Leper believed that the Jesus could heal him if He was willing...

And this was Jesus' response:

³ Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.

"I am willing."
 
 Jesus is compassionate to depths that are unfathomable to us.

He was willing and the Leper was cleansed immediately!

I understand the heaviness of trying to make sure that my internal leprosy is covered so that I'm not identified in negative ways.

I understand the numbness that results from years of rotting wounds that eat away at mental, emotional, and spiritual nerve endings.

Jesus does too.

He knew that the wounds on the heart, mind, and soul of the Leper were in even more dire need of healing than his eroding body.

And He was willing to cleanse them all.

He has done it for me...

And He has done it for my husband.

As we continue to come across areas that fester we kneel before Him and say:

  “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

And He is.

Push through the crowds in your careful wrappings if you must.

Plan your steps meticulously and keep others at a distance if that's where you're at.

But make your way to the feet of Jesus.

Come in all your wounded, rotten, numbness.

Ask Him for wholeness, for cleansing, for healing.

Jesus is still about the business of healing leprosy of all kinds.

Even yours...