If Walls Could Speak

I am at a point in my life where I must re-calibrate. 

Everything is the same, but the awareness is different.

More on that another time.

For now I am going to log all of the words from the walls of my office... right here.

Pictures too.

Change has never been easy for me, ever.

This change won't be either, but I know it must happen.

So here is what my walls have to say:

"Train for the trial you are not yet in." ~ Levi Lusko

"I don't know if you can truly ever be a servant of the Lord if you are not willing to be someone's aid." ~ Christine Caine

"It's not about who I am, but WHOSE I am." ~ Unknown

"Trusting God's plan is THE ONLY SECRET I KNOW in the gentle art of NOT FREAKING OUT." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

"There is always, always, always something to be thankful for." ~ Ann Voskamp

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" ~ The NIV Bible

"The spotlight that is on you will kill you if the light of Christ in you is not greater." ~ Christine Caine

"Only speak words that make souls stronger." ~ Unknown

"Do better now my child." ~ Ravi Zacharias expressing the heart of God for the failure laden

"Progress is progress no matter how slow." ~ Unknown

"God is working on your behalf. Heaven is holding conversations about you. Angels have been assigned. Be at peace." ~ Unknown

"On the other side of your pain is purpose." ~ Christine Caine

"The truth is so valuable that it is often surrounded by a bodyguard of lies." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Complete Treasure" ~ our words of the year for 2016

"Manipulation is the nasty little brother of coercion." ~ Unknown

"Behold I am doing a new thing." ~ God

"And He who was seated on the throne said; 'Behold I am making all things new.' " ~ Revelation 21:5

"If we could get us to get our eyes off us and onto the greatness of God, it would CHANGE EVERYTHING." ~ Christine Caine

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I'm alone. I believe in God even when He is silent." ~ Unknown

"I love you to the moon and back again." On a gift poster from a dear friend.

"Hurried by worry delays the comfort of God." ~ Ann Voskamp

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." ~ God

"The only true disability in life is a BAD ATTITUDE. You get to choose." ~ Unknown

"There are four areas that you look to for absolutes: Evil, Justice, Love, and Forgiveness." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Freedom is a blood type... Jesus' Blood!" ~ Unknown

"We fight from Victory not for victory. Jesus wins." ~ Unknown

"There comes a time when you have to make what Jesus did for you bigger than anything anyone did or said to you." ~ Christine Caine

"Worry is believing God won't get it right. Bitterness is believing God got it wrong." ~ Unknown

"A labor of love. 'We will be rewarded for good works done in obedience to God, according to His power and for His glory." ~ Charles Stanley

"Walking by Faith is just life without scheming." ~ Unknown

 "Keep moving forward... Trust, Obey, Trust, Obey...." ~ Me

"God is good, All the time." ~ Poster made by a Volunteer from Special Friends Camp

"Enjoy the little things." ~ Unknown

"Take a look at your heart. Because the day you see your heart as desperately wicked and in need of Jesus is the day you could become an answer rather than a question." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"God has already taken into account the wrong turns, the mistakes, in your life. Quit beating yourself up and accept His mercy." ~ Unknown

"Pray to God and carry on." ~ Unknown

"Lust can hardly wait to get. Love can hardly wait to give." ~ Unknown

"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle." ~ Unknown

"Death either takes you to your treasure or from it." ~ Levi Lusko

"Happiness is being married to your best friend." ~ Unknown

"To sin is to state: 'God I do not want you to be my King.' " ~ Unknown

"Whatever problem lies ahead of you doesn't compare to the power of the person behind you." ~ Ann Voskamp


Most of these quotes and sayings were written on small post-it notes that had minuscule pieces of duct tape holding them onto the wall. They are safely nestled in my lovely cherry red trash can now that they are memorialized here.

I think it's safe to say that I have surrounded myself with positive truths. Words that take my mind to places that encourage me to press on in the good and to depart from the bad. Then there is beauty....

Faces I love.

Faces I pray for.

Faces I have never met but tug on my heart each time I look at them.

Art.

Stickers.

Things that remind me of the treasure in my mine-field past.

Images that bring me hope.

Gifts from friends.

Encouragement.

IN-COURAGE-MEANT.

Meant to bring courage in.

If you stalk my Facebook wall enough you will piece together hints of my past that paint a picture.

Parts of that picture are hard to look at. 

Finger painting has always been one of my favorite ways to paint. 

I love to not just see the paint going onto the canvas, but to feel it. 

I've been that way since I was a child. 

To move it and watch it change as I go.

That little girl had no idea what was ahead.  

Or what kind of images her choices would portray. 
Much of my life was like an 18 month old with black oil paint in a wedding dress boutique. 

My ability to see the long term effects of my choices was nil.

My choices were all driven by emotions that were out of control.

If I had any compass at all, True North changed daily.

The fallout left scars. 

Not just on myself, but on those closest to me.

There are places in my heart that are cauterized by the fire of consequence.

I was a magnet for hurtful people.

Who didn't just hurt me.

When you come from darkness like that...

When the Lord rescues you and clothes you and heals you in both mind and body.

There is an enemy that doesn't want you stop staring at the carnage.

Rehashing the what-if's.

But every time I'm tempted, I hear a familiar voice say, "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." And, "Be Still and Know that I am God." And, "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

If I am going to live in the Light, I have to surround myself with the Truth.

If I am going to never go back to those awful ways of thinking and living, I have to fix my eyes on what lies ahead. What has been promised to me.

To think on what is good and true and lovely and....

Jesus in His mercy has been so good to me. 

He is in control and is able to do the impossible.

His promises are true. Always.

I need to remind myself of that daily.

So I surround myself with truth, with reminders of His goodness in my life despite the mine fields.

What do you surround yourself with?









 

Blue is the color of Heaven

Oh I've been an uber facebook poster today.... It's been comforting to know that so many believers are praying in unison and aching together for the comfort of families, friends, communities that have been ravaged by this latest tragedy in my beloved home state of Oregon.

I myself have been pushed to my emotional limit recently in the face of my husband's inability to breathe...

The effects of it are still raw and I am near tears without much provocation.

 

I know the experience of fearing for the welfare of someone you love.

 

For your child...

 

I still remember the chalky pallor and bloated face of my son when he came out of cardiac surgery.

 

I remember the surgery team explaining that he could have a heart attack, stroke, or even die during the time he would be in the operating room.

 

He nodded that he understood.

 

I felt like my limbs were made of cardboard.

 

Or the time when my youngest daughter contracted a virus that spiked her poor body into a fever over 105 degrees for several days in a row.

I was pregnant with my youngest son, nauseated around the clock, and my poor little girl's veins were collapsing with every attempt of the ER nurses to get life-saving fluids into her rapidly dehydrating body.

 

So many times I have lifted the 5 children I birthed up to the Lord in prayer for healing.

I asked with all my being that the Lord would heal my kids. That they would play again, laugh again, that they would live.

And His answer was yes.

I will forever be grateful for the healing He has orchestrated for my children on so many occasions. I am humbled by this merciful gift for sure.

But what if His answer had been no?

I'm sure that many of the parents of the students that were killed at UCC prayed for their children.

For safety.

For protection.

For blessing.

Could it be that in His infinite wisdom and eternally flawless knowledge His 'yes' just looks different than we thought it would?

My youngest son walked into my room today and said, "Ya know Mom, it's really awful what's happened in Roseburg and I'm praying for the families and friends of all who were involved. But isn't it awesome that we know where those students are? That they're with Jesus and are happier than they ever could've been here on Earth? It's super sad, but I think that's the good part."

 

He's right.

That's the best part.

They are safer than they ever could be here.

They are protected in a way that we can only dream of.

They are blessed beyond imagination in the presence of the King.

His comments yanked my head up from the news trolling I was doing to see any updates on the situation, and I'm so glad he spoke up.

The real promise of Heaven.

If we keep our eyes fixed on Heaven and on the Face of our King...

 

Maybe we will see that His 'yes' is what we have always longed for.

I pray for the eternal salvation of my kids daily. 

I have two in Heaven already.

I imagine them in that timeless place waiting for me.

Their faces lit by the light of His face.

Their beautiful feet walking on the flawless sapphire floor of the Throne Room of God.

Blue is the color of Heaven.

 

 

 

What beautiful truth we can clothe ourselves in, the truth that in Jesus no one is ever lost.

That in that eternal timeless place we will all meet again and all sorrow will be gone.

I love my children.

All of them.

And I pray daily for their safety, health, wholeness....

But first and foremost I pray for their beautiful souls.

And for the day we will feel blue together in a whole new way.

With all my heart and everything in me...

Alexandria Eden

Daniel John

Hannah Jane

Gabriel Michael

Elisha Nathaniel

"My Name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Ever had a moment where you're listening to a song you've heard a thousand times, or reading a book you've read since Jr. High, or watching a movie that you know WORD FOR WORD and a line hits you sideways and out comes a whole heap of connections and thoughts that have been floating around in your head disconnected until that very moment?

Yeah, me neither.

Okay wait...

That very thing totally happened to me last night as we were watching The Princess Bride with a group of staff and volunteers from Camp.

I literally have the entire movie memorized.

I'm pretty sure most of my kids do too.

Anyway, while half-watching the movie last night, (I had my grandson Bradley here and he's just too cute to give ALL my attention to anything else...), I heard that familiar line in that familiar scene where Inigo finally slays the 6 fingered man... 

"My Name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He had a life mission to avenge his father.

The passion in his face is unmistakeable.

The pain too.

He just wants his father back.

I can relate.

I won't go into painful details of my past with my father, but I will say that I grieve for what never was and never will be now that he is so very ill with neurodegenerative disease.

There has been redemption in the midst of it all, and I know my father loves me and he knows I love him... but it just isn't, and hasn't been, a fairy tale in any form.

I was angry for a long time.

Angry at him. Then angry at God. Then angry at me.

Then I gave it all over to the Lord and asked him to take the anger away.

And He did.

I have peace now in that same place that the anger lived in, and I also have a whole lot of fire and determination about certain things.

Things like nutrition and neurology and mental health and fertility and chronic disease and epigenetics and wholeness..... and how all of it is so intricately connected.

I get pretty long winded and stand on a fairly large soap box when I talk about it all...

Consider yourself warned.

It's huge.

The implications are so far reaching no one really understands it all...

But I have already seen miraculous results in my own family... in my own life... in me.

I'm not exactly sure what the process was that has led to my father's neurological degeneration, or his father's suicide, or my years and years of depression/anxiety/ADD... but I do know that I'm closer.

I'm living proof.

If our bodies aren't getting what they desperately need to function properly, to heal as they were made to, then what can we expect?

Degeneration on every level.

And you don't have to wait until your 70's to see it.

I started experiencing health issues as a small child... a toddler.

I've prayed and prayed about what the Lord would have me do to help as many people as possible to be free from similar issues. To have bodies and minds that function as closely as possible to what He intended.

And you know what?

He answered.

So...

I'm pursuing my certification as a Master Holistic Nutritionist, amongst other certifications, and I am so thrilled to see what the Lord is going to do with all of this!

I've been researching on my own for years so a lot of the information is familiar.

(Those of you who know me well are not shocked at all I'm sure...)

He really does use all of the little nerdy quirks that make me who I am...

The only intimidating parts are the weight of my Anatomy and Physiology Book and my time management skills....

So if you feel led, pray about those!!

I know that He is in all the details, and that He will provide for every possible need in this.

Just imagine, if people could think properly not controlled by their emotional state gone awry... If anxiety and depression and ADHD were all but gone... If there were less heart disease, stroke, Parkinson's, dementia, the big C.... If autistic people could be helped in ways that were thought impossible...If so many miscarriages were a thing of the past.... If addiction was a word we had to look up.... If we could serve Him and our families all that much more because we could function properly...

The Enemy's playground would be a whole lot smaller in our homes. 

It's totally possible.

And not too far away.

If you are someone that prays, please pray for me as I move forward.

This is what I was born for, I feel it in my bones.

Isaiah 61:1

John 10:10

Denouncing Disappointment

I'm done being disappointed.

There, I said it.

One definition of disappointment is: "the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations."

Sadness.

Displeasure.

Nonfulfillment.

I've had sleepovers with these three more often than I would care to recount.

'...one's hopes or expectations.'

I think therein lies the real issue.

Where do I place my hope?

And what do I expect in any given situation, from any relationship, from myself?

Disappointment is a real destination. There's no debate about that.

But my pattern has been to set my watch, my calendar, my thoughts, my attitude, maybe even my GPS to the melancholy metronome of disappointment.

It's not that I'm not qualified to be disappointed.

I've got a laundry list longer than some of reasons why I should wear the Dismally Disappointed jersey...

Divorce
Disease
Rejection
Awful Choices
Awful Consequences
Pain
Lots of Pain....

And wear it I did, for a LONG time... far too long.

Number 75, that's me.

40 years of reasons to dwell in disappointment.

But I'm not gonna do it anymore.

The prefix "dis" means, 'to utterly reverse, to negate'.

And the word "appoint" is defined as, 'to name or assign to a position'.

Who or What have I allowed to utterly negate my position?

What is my position anyway?

As a follower of Jesus I am positionally loved, positionally clean, positionally forgiven, redeemed, restored....

Positionally hopeful in things that never change.

Like Heaven

Like Hope

Like Jesus' outstretched hand that never shrinks back regardless of my circumstance.

New Question:

Who or What can utterly negate my position?


The only right response is this:

No one

and

Nothing.

If I have been appointed by God Himself, who never changes, then there is nothing and no one who can change his decision.

Period.

Now back to Disappointment being a real destination.

Our definition said that disappointment is a 'feeling' that involves sadness or displeasure.

I agree.

Disappointment is most certainly a feeling.

And feelings are real to be sure.

But what  I have found is that feelings are good at taking direction.

Taking direction from our choices and focus.

I spent a lot of years making choices based on my feelings only to find myself in a constant merry-go-round of nauseating consequences for myself and everyone around me.

But one day while in a deep valley of illness I had the realization that my choices dictated my feelings. Making choices based on my feelings was like trying to keep catching the same soap bubble I had blown and recycling it endlessly... they just aren't made to work that way.

And neither are we.

It works like this:

Our beliefs dictate our thoughts.

Our thoughts dictate our attitudes.

Our attitudes dictate our choices.

Our choices dictate our feelings.

Our feelings dictate our behavior.

And our behavior dictates our circumstances.

Whew.

Feelings come in on the list WAY down the line, which is really good news.

It means that we have a lot we can do about what kind of feelings we have and how much they affect us.

This is AWESOME news for me.

My feelings had been such a horrid slave driver because they had been allowed to be out of the order of command.

Like a young dog in a pack that suddenly finds himself the Alpha Male... He doesn't have what it takes to really do the job well.

Neither do my feelings.

Disappointment wasn't meant to be at the helm.

My beliefs are.

Better yet, Who I place my belief in is...

Captain Jesus.

So away with you Disappointment!!

I am only temporarily REappointed at best...

Appointed to pray, to love, to hope in the One who has appointed me in the first place.

Denouncing Disappointment....

Join me?

Ever faithful.... Ever true.... Jesus in the Fire.

Communicating isn't easy at the moment...

This body fights me sometimes in ways I can't even fight back.

My perspective has changed so radically, so drastically, so completely.

I can remember thinking constantly about what other people thought of me, of my kids, my clothes, my car....

Fear had me by one hand and Pride had me by the other.

I put Jesus in a box with a glass front painted with the words, "In Case of Emergency Break Here."

He was my plan B.

I don't like seeing that in type. I don't like admitting it. But it was true.

It WAS true...

I have seen the most devastating things build the most beautiful moments in the midst of rubble as far as the eye can see... literally.

I can't pretend that Jesus isn't GOD.

That He isn't on the throne of all Heaven.

That NOTHING HAPPENING ON EARTH will make Him get up and pace that sapphire floor....

Nothing.

Not Ebola.

Not cancer.

Not financial ruin.

Not broken relationships.

Not war or famine or death.

He has seen it all.

He knows that in the end everything will be alright.

He's already there...

He is from Age to Age the same.

From before the foundations of the Earth.....

Jesus

I have been at the end of myself on a road I didn't know with my children crying out to Him with tear stained faces in between asking me if we were going to live through that World's Largest Tornado... 

...and in that moment I could say, with my heart banging like an old tractor engine, "I don't know. But if we don't we know where we will go. Jesus will never leave us. He will carry us home."

Truth.

Solid truth that you can stand on. That you can hold onto when the winds are raging, and the floods are rising, and the sky is swallowing homes and cars and people...

Stillness in the Storm, He is.

Direction in the Chaos, He is.

The Hand that reaches out, not to hold your hand, but to HOLD YOU.... He is.

There hasn't been a moment in this day that I haven't prayed for a dear family that I love that is going through a nightmare... a raging swirling nightmare of pain and suffering and love and praise and prayer and aching and hope and courage and terror..... It's their world's largest tornado.

It's a storm they can't navigate alone...

I watched as the people in the actual Tornado Alley banded together regardless of income, race, beliefs, age.... they came together because there was such great need. They sat together on half obliterated curbs and ate barbecued pork sandwiches out of foil wrappers that some college guys brought all the way from Texas.

They came together to share their strength. Their love. Their understanding. 

I drove across the U.S. those times not because I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but because I understand devastation. I understand desperate need. Pain and suffering are no stranger to me.

Pain and suffering are no stranger to Jesus.

I prayed yesterday over a task that I really wanted to do well at. I was feeling shaky at best and I said to the Lord, "I just really want to nail this Lord."

His reply was, "I already have."

And in that moment I saw his nail scarred hand and I remembered the truth that IT IS FINISHED.

He has already gone before me and prepared the way, for everything.

There is nothing I will face that He is not aware of, or makes Him shaky at best.

He is the Author and the Finisher.

In my heartache for my friends facing this terrifying inoperable brain tumor I have come to the place where I just say His name...

Jesus Jesus Jesus...

I know that He is with them because He is with me.

He says He will never leave us or forsake us.

Never.

Not in the wildest storm.

Not in the darkest night.

Not in the deepest pain of the body or soul or mind.

Never.

That scene of Daniel's friends in the fire there in the Old Testament has been in and out of my mind for weeks now off and on...

My husband and I are in our own fiery furnace... So many dear friends in fires of all sorts... and I am reminded time and again that the only things that were lost in those hottest flames were the things that bound them....

If Jesus is in the fire with me then I can count on only being more free on the other side of it.

Truth.

Unchanging Truth.

Those three men so long ago walked around in the fire with Jesus. 

WALKED AROUND IN THE FIRE.

They were bound up and thrown in that furnace, but once they were in the flames...

They were free to move. To walk. To walk with Jesus.

Even the flames obey Him. They can only do what He allows.

And Faith says that what He allows sets me free...

Oh Lord I DO believe.... I DO.

Help my unbelief...

Watching friends and family members suffer is so hard. The temptation to ask God "Why?' at every new twist and turn in the road is sometimes like the worst itch you just can't reach.

I don't think He minds the why's. He knows who I am. He knows what I'm made of and how He made me.

I remember my little children looking up at me asking why about more things than I can count...

So inquisitive. So observant. So smart.

I didn't mind their why's either. 

Oh to have faith like a child... 

Complete trust. 

Sometimes the best prayer I can offer in the fire is, "I trust you Jesus. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your faithful love. Change me Lord. Change me."

I used to want for my circumstances to change so badly. I just knew I would be happy when...

I had a better smile.

I could live in a different place.

I had more time, more money, more hair...

Oh no.

No no.

It just isn't really like that.

Ever.

You are who you are wherever you are.

Not my circumstances Lord....

"Change me Lord. Change me."

There is no glass to break in case of emergency.

No glass... just His name...

Jesus. 

He's with me in the fire.

He's with us in the fire.

Delivering from those things that bind...

Ever faithful.... Ever true....

Free to walk with Him

Jesus,

in the fire.