Prone to Worry

I am prone to worry.

There, I said it.

As someone who thinks a lot, and I mean A LOT... my mental train can jump it's tracks and be on the treacherous slope of worry in short order if I don't keep my thoughts in check.

Daily.

Sometimes minute by minute... or second by second.

There is someone in my life that I love with every drop of my blood, every beat of my heart, every cell... and that person is so broken. So wounded and struggling.

It's gut wrenching.

If I dwell on that circumstance without including the Lord in the equation I begin to sink into the quicksand of hopelessness.

I found myself sinking just recently.

My praying was more like begging:

"Lord, I'd give up this or that.... or stop this or that.... or do this or that.... if only you'd step in and do something!!"

I was literally on the verge of hysteria in the most silent way possible as we sped down the highway. Thankfully it was dark and our youngest son was asleep in the back seat.

I was biting the inside of my lip to keep from violently weeping.

The sensation was like my own flesh and blood heart being ripped ever so slowly right in two...

Then I heard His reply:

"I did do something. I did it all. I gave it all, my very life, for the one you weep over. I am doing something, right this very moment, trust me. Trust me."

 And the tears came...

I cried the tears of relief that always come when I remember Whose I am... Who is in control...

When the voice of the Lord speaks truth that clears the heavy darkness and lets the fresh air of His love in.

What a gift to me.

So I thanked Him, and prayed a prayer placing this precious one back at His feet.

I read this quote a few days later and it has been on the merry-go-round of my thoughts ever since:

Yeah.

I've been mulling that over for 2 weeks, and I'm sure I'm not done yet.

My thought life is always borne of my beliefs.

Always.

When I first read the quote I asked myself:

"Do I really believe that God won't get it right with this person?"

I didn't like my answers.

Fear is an ugly, mean, strangling task master.

I lived under it's whip for most of my life.

For the past several years I have experienced greater and greater freedom from it's grip.

It's really more like an annoying pest most days.

But when it comes to this person I can almost hear the crack of that whip again.

Do I really believe that God won't get it right with this one?

Really?

NO. I really don't believe that.

I believe that He will win.

That in the end, even if it is long and excruciating, He will be Lord of ALL.

Just as He is now.

There is no one, nothing, outside His vision.

No person beyond His grasp.

No pain greater than His comfort.

And no trespass greater than His sacrifice.

Not one.

I believe that.

All of it.

My own life is proof of it.

My prayer now goes like this:

Lord, I believe that you will get it right with this person that I love. Please help me to trust you more and to obey your promptings. Thank you that your love is greater. Amen

The quote is posted in a very visible place for me to remember what I'm reinforcing when I choose to worry.

So the next time I hear something alarming, have a bad dream, am alone in the quiet with hard memories and nagging regrets....

I will choose to believe He is who He says He is.

I will choose to believe that He will do what He says He will do.

Will you?

Denouncing Disappointment

I'm done being disappointed.

There, I said it.

One definition of disappointment is: "the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations."

Sadness.

Displeasure.

Nonfulfillment.

I've had sleepovers with these three more often than I would care to recount.

'...one's hopes or expectations.'

I think therein lies the real issue.

Where do I place my hope?

And what do I expect in any given situation, from any relationship, from myself?

Disappointment is a real destination. There's no debate about that.

But my pattern has been to set my watch, my calendar, my thoughts, my attitude, maybe even my GPS to the melancholy metronome of disappointment.

It's not that I'm not qualified to be disappointed.

I've got a laundry list longer than some of reasons why I should wear the Dismally Disappointed jersey...

Divorce
Disease
Rejection
Awful Choices
Awful Consequences
Pain
Lots of Pain....

And wear it I did, for a LONG time... far too long.

Number 75, that's me.

40 years of reasons to dwell in disappointment.

But I'm not gonna do it anymore.

The prefix "dis" means, 'to utterly reverse, to negate'.

And the word "appoint" is defined as, 'to name or assign to a position'.

Who or What have I allowed to utterly negate my position?

What is my position anyway?

As a follower of Jesus I am positionally loved, positionally clean, positionally forgiven, redeemed, restored....

Positionally hopeful in things that never change.

Like Heaven

Like Hope

Like Jesus' outstretched hand that never shrinks back regardless of my circumstance.

New Question:

Who or What can utterly negate my position?


The only right response is this:

No one

and

Nothing.

If I have been appointed by God Himself, who never changes, then there is nothing and no one who can change his decision.

Period.

Now back to Disappointment being a real destination.

Our definition said that disappointment is a 'feeling' that involves sadness or displeasure.

I agree.

Disappointment is most certainly a feeling.

And feelings are real to be sure.

But what  I have found is that feelings are good at taking direction.

Taking direction from our choices and focus.

I spent a lot of years making choices based on my feelings only to find myself in a constant merry-go-round of nauseating consequences for myself and everyone around me.

But one day while in a deep valley of illness I had the realization that my choices dictated my feelings. Making choices based on my feelings was like trying to keep catching the same soap bubble I had blown and recycling it endlessly... they just aren't made to work that way.

And neither are we.

It works like this:

Our beliefs dictate our thoughts.

Our thoughts dictate our attitudes.

Our attitudes dictate our choices.

Our choices dictate our feelings.

Our feelings dictate our behavior.

And our behavior dictates our circumstances.

Whew.

Feelings come in on the list WAY down the line, which is really good news.

It means that we have a lot we can do about what kind of feelings we have and how much they affect us.

This is AWESOME news for me.

My feelings had been such a horrid slave driver because they had been allowed to be out of the order of command.

Like a young dog in a pack that suddenly finds himself the Alpha Male... He doesn't have what it takes to really do the job well.

Neither do my feelings.

Disappointment wasn't meant to be at the helm.

My beliefs are.

Better yet, Who I place my belief in is...

Captain Jesus.

So away with you Disappointment!!

I am only temporarily REappointed at best...

Appointed to pray, to love, to hope in the One who has appointed me in the first place.

Denouncing Disappointment....

Join me?