Yesterday was Sunday.
A glorious, sunny, Sunday.
Big poofy clouds, birds singing, everything saturated with color and freshness.
I got up extra early, ate breakfast in our van, and sang on the worship team at our church.
(Having the ability to do that is miraculous in and of itself.)
I saw friends, I heard a great message preached, and then...
I came home and blew it.
Yes, me.
I blew it.
I let our current circumstances, my memories of past pain, the fear that is ever waiting right outside the door, my hormones, fatigue.... I let it all become bigger than the words I sang that morning.
And I sang them with sincerity.
I meant it when I sang, "Oh Lord, fill me, fill me up."
And, "This is amazing grace. This is unfailing love. That you would take my place.... That you would bear my cross...."
I was sincere for sure, but I was also holding onto things that so desperately needed laying down.
Let me just introduce myself,
Ahem...
Hi. I'm Margaret. I don't know how to say 'no' very well.
No to myself, no to good opportunities that take away from the best things of life, no when it might disappoint someone....
I like being a YES person... maybe a little too much.
That reality being highlighted in a whole new hue during the message may have been the trigger for the emotional earthquake that followed that afternoon.
The reality is: I AM scared. I AM overwhelmed. I AM fatigued. Our circumstances ARE uncertain....
But I forget in the midst of the baying hounds of doubt that 'I AM' has always been faithful to me personally, and to us as a family.
My Heavenly Father says:
I AM that I AM.
I AM enough.
I AM in control.
I AM your strength.
I AM working out the details of your life.
I AM trustworthy.
The problem? I frequently allow my life to get so busy, my schedule to get so full, my mind and body to become so overtaxed by over committing that I can't hear Him.
This is not a recent development.
This is a well-worn path that I have traveled ad nauseum.
Admittedly, I don't do big changes well. I don't do major disappointments well. My fleshly tendencies are to turtle-in or run like mad. Neither of which are a productive, relationship enhancing, trust building option. (Just ask my husband.... but wait a few days. Poor guy)
Big Hurts Heal Slow.....
I came into our marriage with more than my fair share, and my major coping mechanism was busyness. It put a decent band aid on my pain for quite some time... but my body decided to stop allowing the busy to continue. Oh, it had help from some serious damage from a horrible medication, but it said STOP nonetheless.
In my introduction, did I mention I have a tendency to be stubborn. Well, yes, there's that too.
But yesterday, when I blew it, I heard things come out of my mouth that gave me some big clues that
there are still some deep hurts in need of healing in me. Also, the red flags that I have been ignoring for near a month stopped waving and were getting tighter and tighter around my throat.... Don't you just love red..... ugh.
I went to the Lord and asked His help.
I asked my poor husband to forgive my meltdown.
I reached out for prayer and the Word.
Then I did what I always do.
I go to trusted authors and read their insights about Jesus....
Well, the Lord in His sweet kindness laid this one on me today:
"God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are...
God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way."
~ Max Lucado
I sat reading those words that I KNOW so well with big fresh tears in my eyes.
He knows my frame, He made it. He knows my limitations better than I do, and doesn't think any less of me for them. He loves me before, during, and after my emotional meltdowns. He is that I AM.
I won't even try to describe the freedom I feel when I experience the forgiveness and reassurance that only come when I run to the Cross, broken and guilty, knowing full well that the same Saviour that said "Come just as you are" over 20 years ago is saying those same words today.
What a blessing to have such a clear call to stop and wait at His feet.
Oh Lord, help me to listen sooner.
And thank you for a marriage where we are quick to apologize, and even quicker to forgive.
Flawed and Forgiven.
What a miracle...
A glorious, sunny, Sunday.
Big poofy clouds, birds singing, everything saturated with color and freshness.
I got up extra early, ate breakfast in our van, and sang on the worship team at our church.
(Having the ability to do that is miraculous in and of itself.)
I saw friends, I heard a great message preached, and then...
I came home and blew it.
Yes, me.
I blew it.
I let our current circumstances, my memories of past pain, the fear that is ever waiting right outside the door, my hormones, fatigue.... I let it all become bigger than the words I sang that morning.
And I sang them with sincerity.
I meant it when I sang, "Oh Lord, fill me, fill me up."
And, "This is amazing grace. This is unfailing love. That you would take my place.... That you would bear my cross...."
I was sincere for sure, but I was also holding onto things that so desperately needed laying down.
Let me just introduce myself,
Ahem...
Hi. I'm Margaret. I don't know how to say 'no' very well.
No to myself, no to good opportunities that take away from the best things of life, no when it might disappoint someone....
I like being a YES person... maybe a little too much.
That reality being highlighted in a whole new hue during the message may have been the trigger for the emotional earthquake that followed that afternoon.
The reality is: I AM scared. I AM overwhelmed. I AM fatigued. Our circumstances ARE uncertain....
But I forget in the midst of the baying hounds of doubt that 'I AM' has always been faithful to me personally, and to us as a family.
My Heavenly Father says:
I AM that I AM.
I AM enough.
I AM in control.
I AM your strength.
I AM working out the details of your life.
I AM trustworthy.
The problem? I frequently allow my life to get so busy, my schedule to get so full, my mind and body to become so overtaxed by over committing that I can't hear Him.
This is not a recent development.
This is a well-worn path that I have traveled ad nauseum.
Admittedly, I don't do big changes well. I don't do major disappointments well. My fleshly tendencies are to turtle-in or run like mad. Neither of which are a productive, relationship enhancing, trust building option. (Just ask my husband.... but wait a few days. Poor guy)
Big Hurts Heal Slow.....
I came into our marriage with more than my fair share, and my major coping mechanism was busyness. It put a decent band aid on my pain for quite some time... but my body decided to stop allowing the busy to continue. Oh, it had help from some serious damage from a horrible medication, but it said STOP nonetheless.
In my introduction, did I mention I have a tendency to be stubborn. Well, yes, there's that too.
But yesterday, when I blew it, I heard things come out of my mouth that gave me some big clues that
there are still some deep hurts in need of healing in me. Also, the red flags that I have been ignoring for near a month stopped waving and were getting tighter and tighter around my throat.... Don't you just love red..... ugh.
I went to the Lord and asked His help.
I asked my poor husband to forgive my meltdown.
I reached out for prayer and the Word.
Then I did what I always do.
I go to trusted authors and read their insights about Jesus....
Well, the Lord in His sweet kindness laid this one on me today:
"God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are...
God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way."
~ Max Lucado
I sat reading those words that I KNOW so well with big fresh tears in my eyes.
He knows my frame, He made it. He knows my limitations better than I do, and doesn't think any less of me for them. He loves me before, during, and after my emotional meltdowns. He is that I AM.
I won't even try to describe the freedom I feel when I experience the forgiveness and reassurance that only come when I run to the Cross, broken and guilty, knowing full well that the same Saviour that said "Come just as you are" over 20 years ago is saying those same words today.
What a blessing to have such a clear call to stop and wait at His feet.
Oh Lord, help me to listen sooner.
And thank you for a marriage where we are quick to apologize, and even quicker to forgive.
Flawed and Forgiven.
What a miracle...
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