Sunday Afternoon

Yesterday was Sunday.

A glorious, sunny, Sunday.

Big poofy clouds, birds singing, everything saturated with color and freshness.

I got up extra early, ate breakfast in our van, and sang on the worship team at our church.

(Having the ability to do that is miraculous in and of itself.)

I saw friends, I heard a great message preached, and then...

I came home and blew it.

Yes, me.

I blew it.

I let our current circumstances, my memories of past pain, the fear that is ever waiting right outside the door, my hormones, fatigue.... I let it all become bigger than the words I sang that morning.

And I sang them with sincerity.

I meant it when I sang, "Oh Lord, fill me, fill me up."

And, "This is amazing grace. This is unfailing love. That you would take my place.... That you would bear my cross...."

I was sincere for sure, but I was also holding onto things that so desperately needed laying down.

Let me just introduce myself,

Ahem...

Hi. I'm Margaret. I don't know how to say 'no' very well.

No to myself, no to good opportunities that take away from the best things of life, no when it might disappoint someone....

I like being a YES person... maybe a little too much.

That reality being highlighted in a whole new hue during the message may have been the trigger for the emotional earthquake that followed that afternoon.

The reality is: I AM scared. I AM overwhelmed. I AM fatigued. Our circumstances ARE uncertain....

But I forget in the midst of the baying hounds of doubt that 'I AM' has always been faithful to me personally, and to us as a family.

My Heavenly Father says:

I AM that I AM.

I AM enough.

I AM in control.

I AM your strength.

I AM working out the details of your life.

I AM trustworthy.

The problem? I frequently allow my life to get so busy, my schedule to get so full, my mind and body to become so overtaxed by over committing that I can't hear Him.

This is not a recent development.

This is a well-worn path that I have traveled ad nauseum.

Admittedly, I don't do big changes well. I don't do major disappointments well. My fleshly tendencies are to turtle-in or run like mad. Neither of which are a productive, relationship enhancing, trust building option. (Just ask my husband.... but wait a few days. Poor guy)

Big Hurts Heal Slow.....

I came into our marriage with more than my fair share, and my major coping mechanism was busyness. It put a decent band aid on my pain for quite some time... but my body decided to stop allowing the busy to continue. Oh, it had help from some serious damage from a horrible medication, but it said STOP nonetheless.

In my introduction, did I mention I have a tendency to be stubborn. Well, yes, there's that too.

But yesterday, when I blew it, I heard things come out of my mouth that gave me some big clues that
there are still some deep hurts in need of healing in me. Also, the red flags that I have been ignoring for near a month stopped waving and were getting tighter and tighter around my throat.... Don't you just love red..... ugh.

I went to the Lord and asked His help.

I asked my poor husband to forgive my meltdown.

I reached out for prayer and the Word.

Then I did what I always do.

I go to trusted authors and read their insights about Jesus....

Well, the Lord in His sweet kindness laid this one on me today:

     "God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are...

      God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way."
                                                                                                                             ~ Max Lucado 

I sat reading those words that I KNOW so well with big fresh tears in my eyes.

He knows my frame, He made it. He knows my limitations better than I do, and doesn't think any less of me for them. He loves me before, during, and after my emotional meltdowns. He is that I AM.

I won't even try to describe the freedom I feel when I experience the forgiveness and reassurance that only come when I run to the Cross, broken and guilty, knowing full well that the same Saviour that said "Come just as you are" over 20 years ago is saying those same words today.

What a blessing to have such a clear call to stop and wait at His feet.

Oh Lord, help me to listen sooner.

And thank you for a marriage where we are quick to apologize, and even quicker to forgive.

Flawed and Forgiven.

What a miracle...

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen...

Junkie to Jesus Follower

Lunatic to Lover of God

Rebel to Restored

Sick with Sin to Saturated with Salvation...


It's all about Redemption.


I've said it a hundred times, and I will say it a thousand more... Redemption is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I can't even begin to comprehend that the Creator of EVERYTHING would care enough to make a way for me to be right with Him. That He would give up his most precious creation ever, His only Son, for me to have hope and healing and life forever...

I think sometimes as people we walk into a church or a group of other people and we compare our insides to everyone else's outsides.

It's a game you can never win.

I picture a woman on a church stage singing with the worship band. She walked into church that morning with a nice looking husband and a couple of older kids. They sit up near the front and are friendly with the people around them. The pastor greets them with familiarity when he arrives at their row. They seem to have been a part of this congregation forever, they have friends at every turn and are involved in several ministries....

What people don't know is that the woman is a survivor of severe abuse. That she used to be a drug addict, struggled with suicidal thoughts and depression since childhood, battled eating disorders and insecurities, and really only came to know her true identity in Jesus in her mid thirties.

They have no idea that her husband was in bondage to crippling sin for most of his adult life, that he went through a divorce that made him wish he were dead, and that his business that flourished for several decades has barely had a pulse for over a year.

No.

They see the redemptive work of Jesus. The love and joy that only come from His touch on a life that has been reduced to ashes.

They see Grace.

I know this couple so well because the woman and her husband are us. My husband and I.

I see other examples of the Lord's awesome redemption frequently in other people's lives and I am always tempted to write about them. But today during the Sunday morning message the Pastor said this, "When we are blessed we should do two things: First we should thank the Lord for the blessing and next we should ask him how we can share the blessing with others."

Now, I know that we are blessed to be a blessing, that's something I believe wholeheartedly, but this impacted me in a whole new way. Having attended one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been a witness to last evening, redemption was fresh on my heart. The bride is a dear friend of mine and her story of redemption is nothing short of a miracle. The Lord pulled out all the stops to bless the wedding of she and her husband. His grace was tangible in the air and the work of the Cross was declared in such an amazing way.

It was Redemption at it's most precious, most beautiful.

The Lord brought to mind my own redemption story and the story of my husband. It is a huge blessing for sure to be free of so many chains that bound us both for so long. It is something that should be shared. His redemptive work goes on and on, reaching into areas that we weren't even aware of. He is thorough, patient, and kind.

I used to be one of those people that would walk into an event and compare my insides to everyone's outsides. I was miserable. I couldn't ever make up for my assumed deficits. I always left feeling more insecure and inferior than I had when I came.

The problem?

I didn't really know who I was.

I had bought the lie, FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, that my circumstances... my choices... my appearance... the things I had survived... my family or lack of it, defined me. It's an impossible burden to bear, a maddening mirage to try and chase. The idea that anything we do, or that can be done to us, defines us... is just that: A lie.

If we are in Christ, then we are absolutely and utterly defined by who He is and what He does.

The circumstance of the Cross defines me. His patient endurance of unimaginable abuse defines me.  His choice to die the death of a criminal in my place defines me. His appearing after being laid in the tomb defines me.  His Love, and the Love of the Father defines me.

I am Holy because He is Holy.
I am Loved because He is Love.
I am spotless because of His precious blood.

I am redeemed because He is my Redeemer.

I hope there never comes a day when I am not utterly awestruck by the beauty and miracle of redemption.

It would mean not recognizing the fingerprints of the Redeemer Himself.


"...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion... "
 Psalm 103:4

Forever Grateful ~