Does your housekeeper love you?

Okay, most of us average people don't have a housekeeper.

But we do have the Barista that we see regularly.

Or maybe that cashier at our favorite store.

Or the Librarian that has been wearing the same vintage glasses since they were in fashion the first time....

Perhaps the person that comes to mind is someone who you've gone to Zumba with for over a year now... Works in the cubicle next to yours... Sits directly behind you at church every Sunday... Lives on your block... Drives your child's bus... Has your same last name and the eyes of your Grandfather... Or maybe even placed a ring on your finger and made promises to you that echo into forever...

I woke up one morning last week with this partial verse running through my head on repeat:
"Do everything as unto the Lord...." (Col. 3:23)

It went round and round and round.... and then it stopped.

The echo that remained was the word EVERYTHING.

I got up from my bed and headed to the bathroom to get ready for my day and a new thought stream began to flow....

Everything as unto the Lord....

As unto the Lord....

Get out of bed as unto the Lord.

Look at my reflection as unto the Lord.

Choose my clothing as unto the Lord.

Take in the beauty of Autumn outside my window as unto the Lord.

Listen to my children roaming through the house as unto the Lord.

and then...

Complain as unto the Lord?

Stress about the future as unto the Lord?

Criticize my husband as unto the Lord?

Procrastinate as unto the Lord?

Focus on constant negativity as unto the Lord?

Harbor unforgiveness as unto the Lord?

Put off what I know I should do NOW as unto the Lord?

WAIT.....

I looked in to the mirror. Really looked hard at my reflection there.

I asked the Lord, "Why? Why is it that I struggle with focus? That I forget daily that everything I do is AS UNTO YOU. An offering to you, my daily gift to you. Why do I struggle with hanging on to these things, avoiding these things, training my eyes to look in one direction when I feel you calling me in another... why?"

And the answer came so quickly I had to hold onto the counter to keep from buckling under the truth of it....

UNBELIEF.

The word flashed on a white canvas in my mind in 50 different fonts and every color I have ever imagined....

...but the last time it landed, right in the middle of the mess, it was bold and red and BIG....

UNBELIEF

I took a sharp breath in, not in shock or surprise, but with familiarity. Like being confronted with an old bully from Jr. High. My gut turned over and I felt that old sense of failure and captivity that comes with that word.

Unbelief.

It has manifested itself in so many ways in my life. So many levels. Subtle. Flagrant. Sophisticated. Grungy. As quiet as a whisper and as loud as a fog horn.

We are not strangers.

I came down the stairs to start the day with a heart tuned to the voice of the One I say I believe in.

And oh I do. I believe...

I felt much like the father in that story in Mark chapter 9....

 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe in the Lord, I believe that He came and died on a cross and rose again on the 3rd day and is preparing a place for all those who believe....

Believe...

Belief...

Unbelief.

There I was again. That word.

So I did what wordy people do... I looked it up.

And here's what jumped at me when I did, 

Unbelief-
In the Greek: apistia: unbelief
Part of Speech: noun, feminine
Definition: unfaithfulness, distrust

Ouch.

Another word that felt more like a void that cold winds blow through...
  
Trust-
Definition: firm belief in the reliability, truth,
ability, or strength of something or someone
Synonyms: confidence, belief, faith, certainty,
assurance, conviction, credence, reliance


 Do we have to go here again? This crevasse that I can't cross. This exercise that only highlights my total inability to complete Even One REP... It's not that I don't want to. I DO. I always have... I, just, well... I don't know how.

Trust is earned. Trust is given. Trust is modeled....

But it's always felt like trust is an enigma. A mystery. The Unicorn grazing peacefully while crystal rainbows form in perfect circles above her pristine white mane.... 

Yes... No...WAIT......

Trust is belief. 

Belief is trust. 

Unbelief is Distrust.

Distrust is Unbelief.

Oh me. 

When will this never ending cycle ever end?

I'm cruising along through life and everything is going just great and then one morning I wake up and I'm challenged. Challenged by the Lord.

This isn't the first morning like this. No. I've had many. But the usual M.O. is to get busy doing things that don't highlight the myriad of reasons why my Trust button doesn't work.

Who wants to sit and think about all that junk? 

But on this particular morning, all those familiar painful memories flew by my mind like cards being shuffled. Slow enough for me to recognize them, but fast enough that the usual feelings attached to them didn't have time to land.

Mercy...

Again.... "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."

My unbelief.

My broken trust.

My lack of confidence, certainty, conviction....

Where do I find the key Lord? The key to unlock my unbelief?

...and the answer floated down like a feather from a clear blue sky...

forgiveness...
 Ahhh.... now this is a muscle I'm familiar with.

Sore from use in forgiving myself for so much sin that I once held like a blanket and now hate with the very fibers of my being. 

But the Lord had some specific forgiving in mind... He began to bring to memory situations that I hadn't thought about in decades. 

Horrible, gruesome, true memories of cruelty and evil.

And in those memories certain frames would stop, stark and still, and in THOSE moments the Lord would say "Forgive there. Right then. Forgive and pray. Forgive now."

So I did.

In my minds eye, I looked right into the eyes of both of the people that the Lord brought to mind. In THOSE moments... and I forgave. It was like a paralysis being reversed. 

Tears came. I prayed as I felt led to, and I sensed light shining into places that had long been dark.

"I do believe (trust); help me overcome my unbelief (distrust)."

Jesus is reliable. I know that well. He has never let me down, He never will. He can't... it's not in His nature. 

 I know that He is trustworthy. I have trusted in Him for many things. For my salvation. For my healing. For the lives and eternal lives of my loved ones. For the very breath I breathe.

 Do everything as unto the Lord. 

Everything.... Lord. It's all yours. 

Release my past as unto the Lord.

Walk my remaining days redeemed as unto the Lord...

I went back to the Strongs Exhaustive Bible Concordance Online and looked up forgiveness...

Forgiveness-
Definition: release from bondage or imprisonment,
to pardon, the cancellation of a debt
Part of speech: noun, feminine
Synonyms: pardon, excuse, extend mercy

I went back and forth between the definitions of unbelief and forgiveness.... I couldn't help but notice that both were nouns in the feminine form...

The feminine form...

Which feminine form do I want to be?

I have had the opportunity to witness many believing, trusting, faith-filled women in my life. Many are my friends and loved ones. I am honored to know them and blessed to have the examples to follow...

One such woman is my friend Jenni Sprunger.

She chooses to be a believer. A truster. She chooses to have faith in the face of heartbreaking trial and tragedy...

Face your husband's inoperable brain tumor as unto the Lord.

I see her determination to love her Lord and love her man no matter what, and I see the feminine form I want to be.

Another woman is a sweet sister in Christ that just went home to Jesus last week.

Joyce Hamilton Graham...

She battled vicious bladder cancer and faced it with a smile and love for her friends and family that shined the love of God like sunrise over the Grand Canyon.

The testimonies of her love and joy and faith in the steadfast redemption of Jesus at her memorial yesterday are another example of the feminine form I want to be.

I sat next to her housekeeper of a decade and watched as tears rolled down this young woman's face at the loss of such a gracious and genuine lover of God and His people.

Her housekeeper loved her.

The young moms she mentored loved her.

Her god children, grandchildren, grown children loved her.

Her husband loved her.

Right up until the very end she was loving on people...

Live a life of love even when you're facing your own death as unto the Lord.

I don't have a housekeeper. But if I did, I want to be the feminine form that she would love. 

Because I'm a believer, a truster, a forgiver. 

Because Jesus loves me, helps me, gives me the strength to be the feminine form he made me to be....

Yes. 

I 
     do
             believe. 

Sunday Afternoon

Yesterday was Sunday.

A glorious, sunny, Sunday.

Big poofy clouds, birds singing, everything saturated with color and freshness.

I got up extra early, ate breakfast in our van, and sang on the worship team at our church.

(Having the ability to do that is miraculous in and of itself.)

I saw friends, I heard a great message preached, and then...

I came home and blew it.

Yes, me.

I blew it.

I let our current circumstances, my memories of past pain, the fear that is ever waiting right outside the door, my hormones, fatigue.... I let it all become bigger than the words I sang that morning.

And I sang them with sincerity.

I meant it when I sang, "Oh Lord, fill me, fill me up."

And, "This is amazing grace. This is unfailing love. That you would take my place.... That you would bear my cross...."

I was sincere for sure, but I was also holding onto things that so desperately needed laying down.

Let me just introduce myself,

Ahem...

Hi. I'm Margaret. I don't know how to say 'no' very well.

No to myself, no to good opportunities that take away from the best things of life, no when it might disappoint someone....

I like being a YES person... maybe a little too much.

That reality being highlighted in a whole new hue during the message may have been the trigger for the emotional earthquake that followed that afternoon.

The reality is: I AM scared. I AM overwhelmed. I AM fatigued. Our circumstances ARE uncertain....

But I forget in the midst of the baying hounds of doubt that 'I AM' has always been faithful to me personally, and to us as a family.

My Heavenly Father says:

I AM that I AM.

I AM enough.

I AM in control.

I AM your strength.

I AM working out the details of your life.

I AM trustworthy.

The problem? I frequently allow my life to get so busy, my schedule to get so full, my mind and body to become so overtaxed by over committing that I can't hear Him.

This is not a recent development.

This is a well-worn path that I have traveled ad nauseum.

Admittedly, I don't do big changes well. I don't do major disappointments well. My fleshly tendencies are to turtle-in or run like mad. Neither of which are a productive, relationship enhancing, trust building option. (Just ask my husband.... but wait a few days. Poor guy)

Big Hurts Heal Slow.....

I came into our marriage with more than my fair share, and my major coping mechanism was busyness. It put a decent band aid on my pain for quite some time... but my body decided to stop allowing the busy to continue. Oh, it had help from some serious damage from a horrible medication, but it said STOP nonetheless.

In my introduction, did I mention I have a tendency to be stubborn. Well, yes, there's that too.

But yesterday, when I blew it, I heard things come out of my mouth that gave me some big clues that
there are still some deep hurts in need of healing in me. Also, the red flags that I have been ignoring for near a month stopped waving and were getting tighter and tighter around my throat.... Don't you just love red..... ugh.

I went to the Lord and asked His help.

I asked my poor husband to forgive my meltdown.

I reached out for prayer and the Word.

Then I did what I always do.

I go to trusted authors and read their insights about Jesus....

Well, the Lord in His sweet kindness laid this one on me today:

     "God loves you just the way you are. If you think His love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are...

      God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way."
                                                                                                                             ~ Max Lucado 

I sat reading those words that I KNOW so well with big fresh tears in my eyes.

He knows my frame, He made it. He knows my limitations better than I do, and doesn't think any less of me for them. He loves me before, during, and after my emotional meltdowns. He is that I AM.

I won't even try to describe the freedom I feel when I experience the forgiveness and reassurance that only come when I run to the Cross, broken and guilty, knowing full well that the same Saviour that said "Come just as you are" over 20 years ago is saying those same words today.

What a blessing to have such a clear call to stop and wait at His feet.

Oh Lord, help me to listen sooner.

And thank you for a marriage where we are quick to apologize, and even quicker to forgive.

Flawed and Forgiven.

What a miracle...