Does your housekeeper love you?

Okay, most of us average people don't have a housekeeper.

But we do have the Barista that we see regularly.

Or maybe that cashier at our favorite store.

Or the Librarian that has been wearing the same vintage glasses since they were in fashion the first time....

Perhaps the person that comes to mind is someone who you've gone to Zumba with for over a year now... Works in the cubicle next to yours... Sits directly behind you at church every Sunday... Lives on your block... Drives your child's bus... Has your same last name and the eyes of your Grandfather... Or maybe even placed a ring on your finger and made promises to you that echo into forever...

I woke up one morning last week with this partial verse running through my head on repeat:
"Do everything as unto the Lord...." (Col. 3:23)

It went round and round and round.... and then it stopped.

The echo that remained was the word EVERYTHING.

I got up from my bed and headed to the bathroom to get ready for my day and a new thought stream began to flow....

Everything as unto the Lord....

As unto the Lord....

Get out of bed as unto the Lord.

Look at my reflection as unto the Lord.

Choose my clothing as unto the Lord.

Take in the beauty of Autumn outside my window as unto the Lord.

Listen to my children roaming through the house as unto the Lord.

and then...

Complain as unto the Lord?

Stress about the future as unto the Lord?

Criticize my husband as unto the Lord?

Procrastinate as unto the Lord?

Focus on constant negativity as unto the Lord?

Harbor unforgiveness as unto the Lord?

Put off what I know I should do NOW as unto the Lord?

WAIT.....

I looked in to the mirror. Really looked hard at my reflection there.

I asked the Lord, "Why? Why is it that I struggle with focus? That I forget daily that everything I do is AS UNTO YOU. An offering to you, my daily gift to you. Why do I struggle with hanging on to these things, avoiding these things, training my eyes to look in one direction when I feel you calling me in another... why?"

And the answer came so quickly I had to hold onto the counter to keep from buckling under the truth of it....

UNBELIEF.

The word flashed on a white canvas in my mind in 50 different fonts and every color I have ever imagined....

...but the last time it landed, right in the middle of the mess, it was bold and red and BIG....

UNBELIEF

I took a sharp breath in, not in shock or surprise, but with familiarity. Like being confronted with an old bully from Jr. High. My gut turned over and I felt that old sense of failure and captivity that comes with that word.

Unbelief.

It has manifested itself in so many ways in my life. So many levels. Subtle. Flagrant. Sophisticated. Grungy. As quiet as a whisper and as loud as a fog horn.

We are not strangers.

I came down the stairs to start the day with a heart tuned to the voice of the One I say I believe in.

And oh I do. I believe...

I felt much like the father in that story in Mark chapter 9....

 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe in the Lord, I believe that He came and died on a cross and rose again on the 3rd day and is preparing a place for all those who believe....

Believe...

Belief...

Unbelief.

There I was again. That word.

So I did what wordy people do... I looked it up.

And here's what jumped at me when I did, 

Unbelief-
In the Greek: apistia: unbelief
Part of Speech: noun, feminine
Definition: unfaithfulness, distrust

Ouch.

Another word that felt more like a void that cold winds blow through...
  
Trust-
Definition: firm belief in the reliability, truth,
ability, or strength of something or someone
Synonyms: confidence, belief, faith, certainty,
assurance, conviction, credence, reliance


 Do we have to go here again? This crevasse that I can't cross. This exercise that only highlights my total inability to complete Even One REP... It's not that I don't want to. I DO. I always have... I, just, well... I don't know how.

Trust is earned. Trust is given. Trust is modeled....

But it's always felt like trust is an enigma. A mystery. The Unicorn grazing peacefully while crystal rainbows form in perfect circles above her pristine white mane.... 

Yes... No...WAIT......

Trust is belief. 

Belief is trust. 

Unbelief is Distrust.

Distrust is Unbelief.

Oh me. 

When will this never ending cycle ever end?

I'm cruising along through life and everything is going just great and then one morning I wake up and I'm challenged. Challenged by the Lord.

This isn't the first morning like this. No. I've had many. But the usual M.O. is to get busy doing things that don't highlight the myriad of reasons why my Trust button doesn't work.

Who wants to sit and think about all that junk? 

But on this particular morning, all those familiar painful memories flew by my mind like cards being shuffled. Slow enough for me to recognize them, but fast enough that the usual feelings attached to them didn't have time to land.

Mercy...

Again.... "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."

My unbelief.

My broken trust.

My lack of confidence, certainty, conviction....

Where do I find the key Lord? The key to unlock my unbelief?

...and the answer floated down like a feather from a clear blue sky...

forgiveness...
 Ahhh.... now this is a muscle I'm familiar with.

Sore from use in forgiving myself for so much sin that I once held like a blanket and now hate with the very fibers of my being. 

But the Lord had some specific forgiving in mind... He began to bring to memory situations that I hadn't thought about in decades. 

Horrible, gruesome, true memories of cruelty and evil.

And in those memories certain frames would stop, stark and still, and in THOSE moments the Lord would say "Forgive there. Right then. Forgive and pray. Forgive now."

So I did.

In my minds eye, I looked right into the eyes of both of the people that the Lord brought to mind. In THOSE moments... and I forgave. It was like a paralysis being reversed. 

Tears came. I prayed as I felt led to, and I sensed light shining into places that had long been dark.

"I do believe (trust); help me overcome my unbelief (distrust)."

Jesus is reliable. I know that well. He has never let me down, He never will. He can't... it's not in His nature. 

 I know that He is trustworthy. I have trusted in Him for many things. For my salvation. For my healing. For the lives and eternal lives of my loved ones. For the very breath I breathe.

 Do everything as unto the Lord. 

Everything.... Lord. It's all yours. 

Release my past as unto the Lord.

Walk my remaining days redeemed as unto the Lord...

I went back to the Strongs Exhaustive Bible Concordance Online and looked up forgiveness...

Forgiveness-
Definition: release from bondage or imprisonment,
to pardon, the cancellation of a debt
Part of speech: noun, feminine
Synonyms: pardon, excuse, extend mercy

I went back and forth between the definitions of unbelief and forgiveness.... I couldn't help but notice that both were nouns in the feminine form...

The feminine form...

Which feminine form do I want to be?

I have had the opportunity to witness many believing, trusting, faith-filled women in my life. Many are my friends and loved ones. I am honored to know them and blessed to have the examples to follow...

One such woman is my friend Jenni Sprunger.

She chooses to be a believer. A truster. She chooses to have faith in the face of heartbreaking trial and tragedy...

Face your husband's inoperable brain tumor as unto the Lord.

I see her determination to love her Lord and love her man no matter what, and I see the feminine form I want to be.

Another woman is a sweet sister in Christ that just went home to Jesus last week.

Joyce Hamilton Graham...

She battled vicious bladder cancer and faced it with a smile and love for her friends and family that shined the love of God like sunrise over the Grand Canyon.

The testimonies of her love and joy and faith in the steadfast redemption of Jesus at her memorial yesterday are another example of the feminine form I want to be.

I sat next to her housekeeper of a decade and watched as tears rolled down this young woman's face at the loss of such a gracious and genuine lover of God and His people.

Her housekeeper loved her.

The young moms she mentored loved her.

Her god children, grandchildren, grown children loved her.

Her husband loved her.

Right up until the very end she was loving on people...

Live a life of love even when you're facing your own death as unto the Lord.

I don't have a housekeeper. But if I did, I want to be the feminine form that she would love. 

Because I'm a believer, a truster, a forgiver. 

Because Jesus loves me, helps me, gives me the strength to be the feminine form he made me to be....

Yes. 

I 
     do
             believe. 

Second Star to the Right and Straight On 'Til Morning.....

Deep Breath.

Okay.

Anyone who knows me very well knows that Peter Pan is my favorite fictional story/movie of all time. In fact, Tink is my nickname to some very special people in my life. I have always loved the idea of a possible place where you can re-invent yourself, where pirates become manageable to a degree, and clapping brings your loved ones back to life.

Mermaids in lagoons.... Friendly Native allies..... Secret tree house hideaway..... and Pixie Dust?
Sign me up for sure!

I sat on my small back porch last night with a heart ache that wouldn't budge no matter how much clapping I could have mustered.

Just a short while earlier we had the most stunning heat lightning streaking across the sky, the likes of which would have had even old Hook shaking in his boots. I could imagine Peter perched atop our house with his sword raised to the sky just daring the lightning to a duel....

.... and in my mind's eye, the face on Peter was the face of Robin Williams.

Something about a grown-up Peter Pan who had forgotten his true identity really hit me like a brick the first time I ever watched Hook. Lots of things about that particular slant on Peter Pan found a special place in my heart, and I was instantly engaged.

The baby in the pram who had accidentally been separated from his mother by a storm... The kind Pixie who rescued that baby and took him someplace far away from the dirty city streets where she found him... The longing in the eyes of the young Peter as he felt, more than remembered, a need for home, for family, for love.

I can still see the transformation from stressed-out to ready-to-crow. The relentless and brutal training and retraining in hopes of remembering how to fly.

And that incredible moment where the feast became visible..... then BANGERANG!!

Self-proclaimed tomboy, mother of 3 sons and 2 very strong girls, I enjoyed every second... I do even still.

Sweet old Wendy with her faith in the Nightlights, Toodles with his misplaced marbles, and Liza with her explosive giggles and grizzly bear hugs.

It's a happy place for me. It's been a happy place for my kids.

Robin Williams was able to bring Peter to life in a way that I don't believe anyone else could. He had that ability to become the character so seamlessly. When he was terrified of flying I believed him. When he was angry about the financial deal that fell through I believed him. When he barked his demands at Hook to have his children back I believed him. And when he found himself out in the rigging unable to save them, I believed him too.

I know there must have been people in Robin's private life who believed in him. I know that he wanted to be free of his addictions and illness by the evidence of him having reached out for help so many times. I know that he was gifted in ways that so many people ever dream of, and that he battled a darkness that wore him so thin he apparently felt he couldn't wage war one more day.

I come from a family where suicide has left a permanent crater in our family tree. Like lightning hitting the bark of an already weak Redwood, the shape of the tree (if it survives at all) is forever changed.  I have heard stories of the event since I was small. They haunted me in my adolescence and at the same time wormed their way into my mind as a possible solution to the deep pain I experienced in those years.

I am a survivor of attempted suicide.

I understand the despair that grips you until you feel as if you can't move forward one more inch. I know the thoughts that come like incessant pitch dripping on your windshield day after month after year and nothing you try will take it off. I have felt the brick wall at the end of every substance or habit I tried to use to escape the pain and feel any kind of normal. I know the struggle of grappling with genetic predispositions that push you toward the edge and disable any possible coping mechanisms. I have battled health issues that effect emotional well being and survived side effects of a prescription drug that began to take me apart at a cellular level, literally.

Mental health issues are alive and real. They aren't something to be taken lightly. They also aren't something that can be dealt with as an isolated symptom. Mental health is part of a complete picture. The issues are: Spiritual, Chemical, Biological, Physical, Nutritional, Medical, and Relational. Mental Health cannot be addressed on it's own. It must be seen as part of a whole. Our bodies were made to work as one unit, our brains are directly effected by our diet, our habits, our circumstances, and our beliefs.

I have finally found relief  from the plague of depression and anxiety that followed me for so many years. I am humbled and grateful beyond any words that the Lord has led me in a path that finds me in a wide open place of freedom in Him and of health that I didn't really believe I could have.

But I remember the battle, bear the scars of the attacks, can still remember the tightness and despair... and my heart aches for Robin Williams and all those who loved him.

In that moment on my porch last night I prayed for his family and friends. I prayed for anyone I know of that is struggling with depression or addiction. The heaviness was as tangible as the electricity in the atmosphere around our house and the forest behind. The storm had left the wilderness silent, not even a tweet or cricket could be heard. I imagined silence in Heaven when a soul has forever stopped searching for Hope. I closed my eyes and let my head hang just breathing in and out... and then the rain came.

Not a sprinkle, not a shower. Big, wet, heavy drops. The kind that would soak you in  30 seconds if you stood in it.

I let it wash over me fully knowing that Jesus understands sorrow and I mourned the loss of this father. This husband. This funny, passionate man that has touched my heart in such a whimsically personal way.

If you struggle with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts please reach out, please tell someone. If you have reached out and what you're doing to cope isn't working, TRY SOMETHING ELSE. There is a way out. There is ALWAYS Hope. Jesus will never give up on you, never. He is our Ultimate Peter flying to our rescue, battling the evil Hook, and setting us free....

If you need resources please message me, or comment below. I will do my best to help.

There is no shame in needing help.

You are never too far.

There is always a way home.

RUN HOME Jack. RUN HOME.

I love you all because I have been so very loved.

~Tink

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255