New Words..... Familiar Love... Perfect

Early this morning, before the sun came up, I was jolted awake with a painfully not-so-kind reminder that I am in the trenches of a celiac relapse due to gluten exposure that happened a week ago. Simply put: a relapse means titanic pain (especially after eating, once the food begins passing through the small intestine), eventual fatigue, lots of laying down, and unpleasant digestive outbursts of every kind. 

I spent much of those early hours between our tiny bathroom and living room floor. (Thankful for both!)

Our 5th wheel is divided into basically two studio apartments. One upstairs, and one downstairs. The kitchen and bathroom areas are shared. This gives our daughter the privacy she needs, and works great for the circumstance we find ourselves in. Super grateful. 

BUT... When I'm dealing with a physical trial of this magnitude... Well, there really is no privacy. Not completely any way. And certainly not for my sweet husband. 

NEWSFLASH: It isn't easy AT ALL being married to someone with multiple chronic health issues. Nope. Not one bit. 

So, as Rick was getting some much deserved sleep on the sofa with one of the pups, I cuddled up to the heater and our other pup who was looking much like a scoop of cafeteria mashed potatoes plopped into his dog bed. 

As I was sitting there, waiting for the next abdominal prompt to head to the restroom.... I looked down and noticed all my dress shoes nestled carefully near the heater. At the same moment I heard Rick's soft breathing from behind me on the couch. 

And then I rememebered how he had taken my shoes that had been stored in a cubby that started to have a mildew issue and sterilized them outside. He then brought them in to completely dry by the heater. 

Outside in the cold, wet, windy weather.

 

My dress shoes that I rarely ever wear because my left foot and ankle were forever changed in my car accident 4 years ago. 

And he was already tired when we discovered the mildew issue last evening. 

Inside my head, my life has a sound track. Much like a movie. But I don't have any say, really, about which songs play at any given moment. 

The song that came this morning as I pondered the sacrifical love of my man was.... 'So This Is Love', from Disney's original Cinderella film. Soft and sweet, it floated through my soul like a feather on a summer breeze.  

The reminder gently shook loose other recent memories of this man and his reflection-of-Jesus love for me...

Endless bowls of soft foods this last week, (read OATMEAL). Walking at a much slower pace in the grocery store, then having to wait patiently while I stop to get a picture of the sweetest, teensy, hot pink flower. Rolling down his window so I can get a good shot of a view I love with all my heart, so I don't have to stand out in the windy cold weather.

The list could go on and on, but these were the beauties that came to warm my heart and comfort my mind in that moment on the rug this morning. 

The last 4 years have been some of the most incomprehensibly hard I could ever have imagined. 

I thought I would never really write again, paint again, play again.....

But so often in life, if something that is broken is given what it needs to heal... It heals so much STRONGER. 

I'm here to say that we are living it. Even in... No, ESPECIALLY in these most difficult times. 

Thank you JESUS for this gift I have in a man named Rick Spears. 

For reminding me, in the sweetest of ways, of all the strong healing You have done and will do. 

So this is love.... Mm mm Mmm Mm.... So this IS Love....... 💗

(He held all the dogs while I took that one too.) 💗🐾

Train wreck redemption...

I don't know who needs to hear this.

Maybe it's just me. 

And if so, I'm okay with that and absolutely welcome the reminder. 

Lord knows I've looked back on my life at times and have only seen a train wreck....

I just had a vision of an actual train wreck. Three engines. Countless cars. Even a caboose. Gnarled into the most ominous mess. It had been there for many many many years. No one ever even bothered to remove it from the tracks....

From a distance it was hideous and frightening.

But upon closer inspection there were birds of all sizes and colors who had made their homes in the nooks and crannies.  

Rabbits had birthed the young in the lower cars... The stuffing from the Conductors seat would be the first thing their little noses would nuzzle. 

Bees had moved their hive into the caboose and the hum could be heard for miles. 

 

Honeysuckle was growing in every which way in and out and up and around. Morning glory too. 

Sunflowers and poppies poked their lovely faces around the jagged metal as if to say 'Peek A Boo!'.

Spider webs like lace shimmered in the sunlight and grasshoppers jumped in every direction among the long grass that had grown. 

Life. 

There was life everywhere. 

Beautiful life moving in and making beautiful something that had been a nightmare. 

Redemption. 

This is redemption. 

If Walls Could Speak

I am at a point in my life where I must re-calibrate. 

Everything is the same, but the awareness is different.

More on that another time.

For now I am going to log all of the words from the walls of my office... right here.

Pictures too.

Change has never been easy for me, ever.

This change won't be either, but I know it must happen.

So here is what my walls have to say:

"Train for the trial you are not yet in." ~ Levi Lusko

"I don't know if you can truly ever be a servant of the Lord if you are not willing to be someone's aid." ~ Christine Caine

"It's not about who I am, but WHOSE I am." ~ Unknown

"Trusting God's plan is THE ONLY SECRET I KNOW in the gentle art of NOT FREAKING OUT." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

"There is always, always, always something to be thankful for." ~ Ann Voskamp

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" ~ The NIV Bible

"The spotlight that is on you will kill you if the light of Christ in you is not greater." ~ Christine Caine

"Only speak words that make souls stronger." ~ Unknown

"Do better now my child." ~ Ravi Zacharias expressing the heart of God for the failure laden

"Progress is progress no matter how slow." ~ Unknown

"God is working on your behalf. Heaven is holding conversations about you. Angels have been assigned. Be at peace." ~ Unknown

"On the other side of your pain is purpose." ~ Christine Caine

"The truth is so valuable that it is often surrounded by a bodyguard of lies." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Complete Treasure" ~ our words of the year for 2016

"Manipulation is the nasty little brother of coercion." ~ Unknown

"Behold I am doing a new thing." ~ God

"And He who was seated on the throne said; 'Behold I am making all things new.' " ~ Revelation 21:5

"If we could get us to get our eyes off us and onto the greatness of God, it would CHANGE EVERYTHING." ~ Christine Caine

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I'm alone. I believe in God even when He is silent." ~ Unknown

"I love you to the moon and back again." On a gift poster from a dear friend.

"Hurried by worry delays the comfort of God." ~ Ann Voskamp

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." ~ God

"The only true disability in life is a BAD ATTITUDE. You get to choose." ~ Unknown

"There are four areas that you look to for absolutes: Evil, Justice, Love, and Forgiveness." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"Freedom is a blood type... Jesus' Blood!" ~ Unknown

"We fight from Victory not for victory. Jesus wins." ~ Unknown

"There comes a time when you have to make what Jesus did for you bigger than anything anyone did or said to you." ~ Christine Caine

"Worry is believing God won't get it right. Bitterness is believing God got it wrong." ~ Unknown

"A labor of love. 'We will be rewarded for good works done in obedience to God, according to His power and for His glory." ~ Charles Stanley

"Walking by Faith is just life without scheming." ~ Unknown

 "Keep moving forward... Trust, Obey, Trust, Obey...." ~ Me

"God is good, All the time." ~ Poster made by a Volunteer from Special Friends Camp

"Enjoy the little things." ~ Unknown

"Take a look at your heart. Because the day you see your heart as desperately wicked and in need of Jesus is the day you could become an answer rather than a question." ~ Ravi Zacharias

"God has already taken into account the wrong turns, the mistakes, in your life. Quit beating yourself up and accept His mercy." ~ Unknown

"Pray to God and carry on." ~ Unknown

"Lust can hardly wait to get. Love can hardly wait to give." ~ Unknown

"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle." ~ Unknown

"Death either takes you to your treasure or from it." ~ Levi Lusko

"Happiness is being married to your best friend." ~ Unknown

"To sin is to state: 'God I do not want you to be my King.' " ~ Unknown

"Whatever problem lies ahead of you doesn't compare to the power of the person behind you." ~ Ann Voskamp


Most of these quotes and sayings were written on small post-it notes that had minuscule pieces of duct tape holding them onto the wall. They are safely nestled in my lovely cherry red trash can now that they are memorialized here.

I think it's safe to say that I have surrounded myself with positive truths. Words that take my mind to places that encourage me to press on in the good and to depart from the bad. Then there is beauty....

Faces I love.

Faces I pray for.

Faces I have never met but tug on my heart each time I look at them.

Art.

Stickers.

Things that remind me of the treasure in my mine-field past.

Images that bring me hope.

Gifts from friends.

Encouragement.

IN-COURAGE-MEANT.

Meant to bring courage in.

If you stalk my Facebook wall enough you will piece together hints of my past that paint a picture.

Parts of that picture are hard to look at. 

Finger painting has always been one of my favorite ways to paint. 

I love to not just see the paint going onto the canvas, but to feel it. 

I've been that way since I was a child. 

To move it and watch it change as I go.

That little girl had no idea what was ahead.  

Or what kind of images her choices would portray. 
Much of my life was like an 18 month old with black oil paint in a wedding dress boutique. 

My ability to see the long term effects of my choices was nil.

My choices were all driven by emotions that were out of control.

If I had any compass at all, True North changed daily.

The fallout left scars. 

Not just on myself, but on those closest to me.

There are places in my heart that are cauterized by the fire of consequence.

I was a magnet for hurtful people.

Who didn't just hurt me.

When you come from darkness like that...

When the Lord rescues you and clothes you and heals you in both mind and body.

There is an enemy that doesn't want you stop staring at the carnage.

Rehashing the what-if's.

But every time I'm tempted, I hear a familiar voice say, "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed." And, "Be Still and Know that I am God." And, "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

If I am going to live in the Light, I have to surround myself with the Truth.

If I am going to never go back to those awful ways of thinking and living, I have to fix my eyes on what lies ahead. What has been promised to me.

To think on what is good and true and lovely and....

Jesus in His mercy has been so good to me. 

He is in control and is able to do the impossible.

His promises are true. Always.

I need to remind myself of that daily.

So I surround myself with truth, with reminders of His goodness in my life despite the mine fields.

What do you surround yourself with?









 

Prone to Worry

I am prone to worry.

There, I said it.

As someone who thinks a lot, and I mean A LOT... my mental train can jump it's tracks and be on the treacherous slope of worry in short order if I don't keep my thoughts in check.

Daily.

Sometimes minute by minute... or second by second.

There is someone in my life that I love with every drop of my blood, every beat of my heart, every cell... and that person is so broken. So wounded and struggling.

It's gut wrenching.

If I dwell on that circumstance without including the Lord in the equation I begin to sink into the quicksand of hopelessness.

I found myself sinking just recently.

My praying was more like begging:

"Lord, I'd give up this or that.... or stop this or that.... or do this or that.... if only you'd step in and do something!!"

I was literally on the verge of hysteria in the most silent way possible as we sped down the highway. Thankfully it was dark and our youngest son was asleep in the back seat.

I was biting the inside of my lip to keep from violently weeping.

The sensation was like my own flesh and blood heart being ripped ever so slowly right in two...

Then I heard His reply:

"I did do something. I did it all. I gave it all, my very life, for the one you weep over. I am doing something, right this very moment, trust me. Trust me."

 And the tears came...

I cried the tears of relief that always come when I remember Whose I am... Who is in control...

When the voice of the Lord speaks truth that clears the heavy darkness and lets the fresh air of His love in.

What a gift to me.

So I thanked Him, and prayed a prayer placing this precious one back at His feet.

I read this quote a few days later and it has been on the merry-go-round of my thoughts ever since:

Yeah.

I've been mulling that over for 2 weeks, and I'm sure I'm not done yet.

My thought life is always borne of my beliefs.

Always.

When I first read the quote I asked myself:

"Do I really believe that God won't get it right with this person?"

I didn't like my answers.

Fear is an ugly, mean, strangling task master.

I lived under it's whip for most of my life.

For the past several years I have experienced greater and greater freedom from it's grip.

It's really more like an annoying pest most days.

But when it comes to this person I can almost hear the crack of that whip again.

Do I really believe that God won't get it right with this one?

Really?

NO. I really don't believe that.

I believe that He will win.

That in the end, even if it is long and excruciating, He will be Lord of ALL.

Just as He is now.

There is no one, nothing, outside His vision.

No person beyond His grasp.

No pain greater than His comfort.

And no trespass greater than His sacrifice.

Not one.

I believe that.

All of it.

My own life is proof of it.

My prayer now goes like this:

Lord, I believe that you will get it right with this person that I love. Please help me to trust you more and to obey your promptings. Thank you that your love is greater. Amen

The quote is posted in a very visible place for me to remember what I'm reinforcing when I choose to worry.

So the next time I hear something alarming, have a bad dream, am alone in the quiet with hard memories and nagging regrets....

I will choose to believe He is who He says He is.

I will choose to believe that He will do what He says He will do.

Will you?

Letting go...

I can hear my sister's voice ringing in my ears today...

"I think he's gone..."

She was there in the room with our father when he breathed his last just two weeks ago.

I was packed and ready to leave when I first spoke to her that morning.

She said he was not doing well at all.

When I saw him two months ago he resembled a melted candle version of himself.

So thin, so frail, so ravaged by the disease process that would ultimately end his life.

I was virtually holding my breath all these hundreds of miles away as she left work down in the Portland area and made her way to check in on him.

Her first call on arrival was to tell me to get down there now...

Then, just minutes later, he was in Heaven.

I breathed then.

Sharp painful inhales.

Almost like labor breathing.

Then I walked to our bathroom, closed the door, and howled like a toddler.

It's what always comes when I think of my Dad.

I was so very small when things changed and he was no longer in our home.

My mother says I howled and called for him each night for months after he left.

She would rock me in her lap until I was calm enough to sleep.

I don't remember those times.

But I do remember the feeling.

It's embedded deep into who I am.

This longing for my Dad.

When I was able to stand up and stop the howling after hearing he was gone, I came out of our bathroom and into the presence of my precious husband who was waiting just on the other side of the door.

He comforts me in ways I can't describe.

He bought me 3 old fashioned pink and cream roses that day.

I kept them alive in their tiny vase for 10 days.

Each night as I lay down in my sister's spare room after days of sorting through details, emotions, memories, and Dad's belongings I would look at them standing so tall and beautiful. Enduring their severed state with such grace.

They spoke volumes to me.

They traveled hundreds of miles north and south and north again with me...

And a few days ago, long after the sun went down, I went to a bridge over a river nearby that holds precious memories for my husband with his father and grandfather...

and I let them go.

I said words that I would have loved to have said if I could have been there with him at the end.

I let each petal float down along with those words and land on the slowly moving water below.

I couldn't see through the dark to watch their path, to know if they were caught in the bank, or sucked below by a fish or frog, or continuing on freely to some distant destination to be transformed into something even more beautiful than before.

I trust that they will arrive exactly where they were meant to be.

The deepest part of the ache stopped that night and I have been able to hold onto the precious and the admirable in my memories of Dad.

We turn on his old Joan Baez albums, or bluegrass, or Nat King Cole... and sing, and dance, and let the tears come if they want to.

What a sacred ache.

See you soon Dad...

 

Blue is the color of Heaven

Oh I've been an uber facebook poster today.... It's been comforting to know that so many believers are praying in unison and aching together for the comfort of families, friends, communities that have been ravaged by this latest tragedy in my beloved home state of Oregon.

I myself have been pushed to my emotional limit recently in the face of my husband's inability to breathe...

The effects of it are still raw and I am near tears without much provocation.

 

I know the experience of fearing for the welfare of someone you love.

 

For your child...

 

I still remember the chalky pallor and bloated face of my son when he came out of cardiac surgery.

 

I remember the surgery team explaining that he could have a heart attack, stroke, or even die during the time he would be in the operating room.

 

He nodded that he understood.

 

I felt like my limbs were made of cardboard.

 

Or the time when my youngest daughter contracted a virus that spiked her poor body into a fever over 105 degrees for several days in a row.

I was pregnant with my youngest son, nauseated around the clock, and my poor little girl's veins were collapsing with every attempt of the ER nurses to get life-saving fluids into her rapidly dehydrating body.

 

So many times I have lifted the 5 children I birthed up to the Lord in prayer for healing.

I asked with all my being that the Lord would heal my kids. That they would play again, laugh again, that they would live.

And His answer was yes.

I will forever be grateful for the healing He has orchestrated for my children on so many occasions. I am humbled by this merciful gift for sure.

But what if His answer had been no?

I'm sure that many of the parents of the students that were killed at UCC prayed for their children.

For safety.

For protection.

For blessing.

Could it be that in His infinite wisdom and eternally flawless knowledge His 'yes' just looks different than we thought it would?

My youngest son walked into my room today and said, "Ya know Mom, it's really awful what's happened in Roseburg and I'm praying for the families and friends of all who were involved. But isn't it awesome that we know where those students are? That they're with Jesus and are happier than they ever could've been here on Earth? It's super sad, but I think that's the good part."

 

He's right.

That's the best part.

They are safer than they ever could be here.

They are protected in a way that we can only dream of.

They are blessed beyond imagination in the presence of the King.

His comments yanked my head up from the news trolling I was doing to see any updates on the situation, and I'm so glad he spoke up.

The real promise of Heaven.

If we keep our eyes fixed on Heaven and on the Face of our King...

 

Maybe we will see that His 'yes' is what we have always longed for.

I pray for the eternal salvation of my kids daily. 

I have two in Heaven already.

I imagine them in that timeless place waiting for me.

Their faces lit by the light of His face.

Their beautiful feet walking on the flawless sapphire floor of the Throne Room of God.

Blue is the color of Heaven.

 

 

 

What beautiful truth we can clothe ourselves in, the truth that in Jesus no one is ever lost.

That in that eternal timeless place we will all meet again and all sorrow will be gone.

I love my children.

All of them.

And I pray daily for their safety, health, wholeness....

But first and foremost I pray for their beautiful souls.

And for the day we will feel blue together in a whole new way.

With all my heart and everything in me...

Alexandria Eden

Daniel John

Hannah Jane

Gabriel Michael

Elisha Nathaniel

'Til Death Do Us Part.... I thank God for you Rick Spears

It's Friday morning at our house.

Fifteen times...

Can that be right?

I know I heard it fifteen times...

That familiar whoosh and quick inhale of air that marks my asthmatic husband using his rescue inhaler.

I can tell when I look into his eyes that I heard correctly.

His pupils are dilated, I can see the pulse in the artery running down his right temple...

He's scared.

But when I ask him about it he says, "I think I'm okay.... I just can't get a full breath."

And so we begin the dance of knowing how to read his facial expressions and how to listen to his respiration rather than the tight words he struggles to get out...

He insists that we go ahead and follow through with the music that we are scheduled to play at the 55+ Senior retreat at Warm Beach Camp.

I know better than to try and force him otherwise.

He uses the inhaler a handful of times on the way...

His cough has been consistent for several days, a yearly head cold?

It's always so hard to tell with asthma...

I'm amazed that we get through our last song, but we both were praying that we would...

We gather our things, drop our mom off at home, and head straight to Urgent Care.

His breathing sounds thicker... harder... 

He uses the inhaler several more times before we arrive....

Once there they rush us right into a room and start a breathing treatment...

The first of two.

They don't help much at all.

I sit in the plastic chair in the exam room holding my purse, he's on the table holding the breathing treatment tube...

His blood pressure and heart rate is in a range that warrants the barrage of questions from the nurse about chest pain, pressure, squeezing....

I listen for his answers more intently than she does.

No.

No pain, no pressure, no squeezing.

Well, at least there's no immediate cardiac issue.

But he still can't breathe.

The medically analytical part of my mind is scanning like wild for possible insight.

I come up with nothing.

The emotional part of me is on pause as I try to stay absolutely calm while the doctor asks about past intubation for asthma...

I've seen people on a vent.

I try not to think about it.

I look at my husband and I feel like I am a thousand miles away behind 3 foot Plexiglas.

I'm not used to not being able to help.

There's nothing I can do except remain calm and reassuring... and pray.

So I do those things with all I have.

I shoot the occasional text to two dear sister-friends that are praying with us every step.

And we wait.

I can tell that the doctor is doing what she believes is best.

And usually the breathing treatments work.

But not this time.

They administer steroids, (the side-effects made the asthma worse), and we wait some more.

We are told we will be discharged, our instructions are to take the meds as prescribed and head to the ER if he spirals downward again.

He's still not breathing much better.

Weird thoughts fly through my head...

Like...

The garage is a disaster... I can't possibly take care of it alone.

The lawn tractor is still broken, how am I going to figure out how to put the new part on?

Why did I nag him so much about posture?

I should have smiled more.

Why did I ever complain about anything?

He is the nicest person I've ever known...

Have I loved him with all my heart like I promised on our wedding day?

Why did I doubt, or fear, or worry?

I should have put him first all the time.....

I am so selfish, and ungrateful, and over committed...

Oh God please let him breathe.

Let him live.

Help us....

And you know, He is.

Rick's breathing has gone from a 3.5 on a scale from 1-10 (with 10 being normal breathing) to a 7.5 currently.

He's gotten more sleep the last two nights.

The antibiotic that's on board is addressing the infection that was causing the asthma to be so awful.

And the rescue inhaler is working.

This experience has shaken me to the core. Us to the core.

I have spent hours in repentance and tears, and then thanking the Lord over and over and over for another chance with new mercies to be more of the wife he has called me to be.

My husband is my greatest treasure on this Earth. No human has ever loved me and cared for me like he has.

He has embraced me at my most fragile and loved my children and I beyond what I could ever have imagined.

I wouldn't wish to repeat Friday ever again, but I am so grateful that the Lord uses even the most terrifying moments of our lives to bring about good.

When I married Rick I had no idea what love was. Real love. Sacrificial love that gives and doesn't think about reciprocity.

I have learned so much about who God is and how He loves me through the fierce devotion and gentle love of this man I am humbled to call my husband.

He is precious to me beyond what I could ever express.

Thank you Lord for your mercy toward us.

Let me never forget it.